When I let go of what I am

I become what I might be - Lao Tzu

I always make sure to try and learn something significant each year about myself and the ones around me. I can't say I learned a lot about the others around me but I learned that I have a lot of work to do.

I was extremely selfish the entire year, only entertaining myself with what kept me happy and spending time with my friends sparingly. I wouldn't say I deviated from the norm I was just more passive about my options, electing not to expose myself to the dribble that comes with alcohol or the drama that comes with pursuing the opposite sex or infusing myself into the lives of families that weren't my own. I did fall back into my habit of neglecting the most obvious obstacle and tackling something that had no bearing on my well being or continuous improvement.

January through March was the beginning, I looked around me and saw I had to step back from some friendships so I did. I all but dropped the hybrids and bunch of people from home and limited my interactions with those I cared about. I spent most of my time going to the gym, playing games, reading and spending time with my family. I managed to engage in conversations with my sister that I never thought were possible and helped her with some tough decisions. From there my life started to become richer and full, I was living each day in the present and loving it. With each day I managed to live better, explore my boundaries and inch outside my comfort zone, it was glorious and amazing. I was on a high as work flowed and I began branching out a little more, it felt as if I had forgot how to do this and the experience was new to me again, fun and wonderful.

April to June was more of the same, until an uneventful night when I saw the hybrids again and I got flipped onto my head and started the descent into my own abyss. My old habits began to show up again, doubt, lack of self confidence, lots of second guessing, to top it off I did not wanting to venture outside my comfort zone. The work of 5 months down the drain and there is nobody to blame but myself. Infuriated I decided to let our paths cross. Looking back now June began my free fall, if you can even call it that.

July to September I wondered if I could ever get back to the first 5 months of the year, my job was beginning to push me in a negative way where I wanted to quit altogether and my friends appeared to be moving around or having stability yet I wasn't. I was increasingly angry with myself and the angrier I became the more I searched for a quick fix to make it all better but that definitely wasn't coming. I learned to cope with it all and take each negative experience and learn something from it, in the end I learned that none of this sh*t is going to matter in the weeks or months to come. Around this time, I had just watched a movie with my buddy who began adjusting my position about life and how to suck it up, be a man and stop caring about stuff and start caring about the important stuff. This began the journey that I am currently on.

October through December I began to see the light at the end of this fall. I began working out with Clarkey. After a few weeks I found myself on the track I was on before June. Through November things went swimmingly well, I had regained the little confidence I had and there was a major bounce in my step, something that had been missing for a long time. December comes and I destroy all traces of friendship with the hybrids, I do want the best for them but not at my own expense. My mentor reminds me to trust myself more and just go with my gut, he also tells me that he doesn't enjoy giving me advice since I take it to an extreme which can be very bad for me. I take his words and think about the decisions I've made till that moment. I've made them with a clear mind and an open heart but only time will tell.

My family decides to take a trip to Cuba, I jump at the chance and in the process I think I've met the most inspiring person next to my mentor. To be exact I met five very inspiring people while in Cuba and a couple of them are literally a street down from where I work, so I expect to see more of them as the new year sets in. You can learn a lot from someone in 7 days, in return you hope that they learn a lot about you. Friendships can cultivate and last forever, should you be lucky you'll find love and it will blossom. I was much more interested in what I was to learn from these people. I believe that every person you meet has something to teach you good or bad, it's a lesson you would not of had if they hadn't come along and shown you. You just have to be sure you're paying attention when the lesson starts. I was prepared to learn. I end up meeting Vincent, Jeanne, Mark, Rita and Ritu. Five truly inspiring people each with their own unique look on life and each having something unique to teach me just by hanging out with me. I remember after a night out sitting on the beach listening to the waves crash against the water, asking myself what am I suppose to learn from these people. I thought about each of them as individuals, their strengths weaknesses and how that applies to myself. After 2 hours of listening to the ocean and staring out into the dark, I arrived at my answers, went to bed and enjoyed the rest of my vacation. Apart from the beach and drinks, I had two highlights and both of them were on the way back to Canada. One was the bus ride to the airport. I got to teach what I had learned to Mark, although drunk I think he got the message. The other was when I was in the plane talking with Ritu. I miss the comfortable silence that comes when a person is comfortable with you. With that said the lessons I've learned I am going to carry into the next year, working my butt off to achieve what I think is rightfully mine.

I learned from Vincent and Jeanne that love can blossom and and be healthy when you've got a strong foundation to build it on. I learned from Mark not to think too much about my age cause my best years are still ahead of me, thinking I am old will just cause me to be complacent in my life and I never want to do that. Rita's lesson is that I need to be more in the present and not think about things so much, being in the present opens you up for a lot of things that can be a lot of fun and enrich your life in more ways than you can imagine. Ritu's lesson was to be more focused with everything I do. I only know one person more focused than her and that would be my mentor, for a girl that's easy on the eyes she's more observant than me.

Anywho. I start my resolution tomorrow, till next year.

I can live with god and suicide

The same thing goes if I close my eyes - Blitzen Trapper

I'm alive and awake much to my happiness, I had a lot of fun last night with the dinner a little dancing and a lot of drinking, maybe a little too much drinking.

Dinner was amazing, everything was fresh and tasted very yummy I loved the entire menu that was prepared, you had to be there to believe it.

I opened my eyes to a new day and a very active mind, I was one year older and from the perspective of some I was actually a "jerk" although they could not come out and say it to my face, they decided to coddle me. I firmly believe that friends tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear, unfortunately the latter was chosen and I am okay with that. I got the message. Should our paths never cross again I will be content knowing such. Friends come and go and the worst of it is over for me, I move on knowing that life is about learning from the decisions you make, learn from the positives, be attentive to the neutrals and ignore any negatives. To deny yourself the pleasure of knowing an outcome is something I pass up all the time, something I am destined to change over the time I have left, I don't care how long it takes me. So what did I learn last evening? When I refuse to express myself honestly I'm doing a disservice to myself and the ones around me.

leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time so when the director yells cut I'll be fine

life is for living not living up tight, - Jay Z

I've got this swagger in my step again and I love it. A lot of factors have come into play in the past few months and I am thankful for them, I saw the fruits of my labor and the ever increasing results of living life and enjoying the time you have left. A lot has to be said about my self worth. I'm just now feeling that my self worth equals what I can be, the goal is to excel at both but I won't be disappointed if things progress further.

I look ahead to what is in store with me as the days count down, a few birthdays and a special Christmas for me. I haven't even begun shopping for my loved ones, although I don't think a gift is needed other than the gift of family, it is definitely a privilege and something I can say that I am happy to have in abundance.

I've been transitioning physically and though the rewards have been awesome I've become greedy. My trainer is hilarious and awesome, he makes me dig deep when the tanks empty and I love him for that. The benefits are in the work habits and it all depends on me after the workout is over, eating right, taking the right vitamins and stuff are the key to my success. We've been going at this for almost a month now and I can definitely see improvements but I want more, much much more.

My two years working is coming to a close, I hope to extend this longer but we'll see how it goes. Wishing for the best but preparing for the worse. I want to reflect on my working term with my next post. The people I've met and the abundance of awesome stuff I learned, not to mention all the not so awesome stuff.

Stay forever young bitches.

Hey Pretty Baby With The High Heels On....

You Give Me Fever, Like I've Never, Ever Known - Michael Jackson

I never really knew what that "fever" is that he's singing about so I can't say the same but he's right in expressing it. When you find something you want, just go for it, no point in thinking about it. This has become a learning curve for me, I'm on the apex right now. I have always been worried about the outcome instead of the experience that leads to it. Being to preoccupied with myself for such a long time, I always enjoyed the logic behind everything I did, After some much needed tuning I want the emotion behind it.

I always use to think I was the in flux, right now I think my surroundings are, looking at everything in my life there's been a progression, as I progressed so did my surroundings,I never really cared about the progression of my surroundings cause I was too focused on my own progress. My natural progression has been wonderful, but I think my progression needs a break.

I saw a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, timing scheduling or whatever, we just couldn't find a time, but having those times with them is really special in their own way, I left knowing the paths we're on are very different, yet we've each walked in the others shoes, a very good feeling to know that the path I'm on has been walked before, and the experience learned from it will only make me better for it. I try not too worry about the bumps and bruises, but it's hard to now worry about them when you know they are coming.


Halloween was pretty laid back, I was on candy patrol and only got about 15 kids or so, I had the cutest little lion come to the door, I ended up giving him so much candy that he was barely able to pickup his plastic pumpkin candy holder!! I also had the jabawokeez come to my door, that was pretty awesome, they busted a move on my lawn I had to throw them more candy for that.

And in the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different kind - Bon Iver

His album rocks so much. That's all I have to say about that.

Finished my weekend feast of food,I could eat like this every weekend but that would be foolish to say the least. I went to my aunts house for the big feast on Saturday and as always I was not disappointed. Everything I ate was so good!! The turkey, stuffing, lasagna, mashed potatoes, curry and the pasta were all awesome, hands down the best meal I've had all year. My uncle is a good cook, dare I say on par with my mom as his pasta and turkey were very good. I look forward to xmas!!!

Everything I've done up to this point should have been a learning experience for me, I still can't nail down what I learned, if anything and most importantly if the experiences had were good or bad, I may never know the actual result of each decision I've made but the most important part is that I made a decision when the time called for one. I've come to see that I am more content with making choices even if those choices end up in failure, I should learn from each failure and move on as each failure from here is an experience I wouldn't of had otherwise, I see what my friend tells me about going broke, cause once your ego and pride are gone you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Most recently I've struggled with my conscience, weighing my morals against my selfishness to be or not to be? that really was my question. I've made my choice and I'll never know the result till many years have passed. On this journey I haven't been "wrong" per se, cause every experience I've had allowed me to catch myself from making them again, this I know will be the same, with no result in sight I am eager to see where this goes.

I've been talking to my buddy in Korea, he's changed and I am very happy for him. I sense he's coming into his own being over there, discovering what makes him so awesome. Our conversations are different and I can tell he's growing as a person, I told myself that if our friendship grows apart during this year I'll be ok with that, as people grow their ideas and concepts change learning to adapt to that has been a big thing for me, as I continue to learn and grow I am sure he'll do the same.

I went on a date and though the date went well, I feel like an empty cookie jar with no cookies left. Through the course of this date I had been quite happy and in high spirits but as the night wore on I began to see that this person was very sad inside, I wanted to give them a hug and never let go, but my hug would do them no good, emotionally guarded use to be my thing and right now I am not so sure. As I looked into their eyes I could see that the walls were built and there was no way I was going to get through that, would it even be worth it knowing that someday I would be shut out from the walls I once broke down? At this point I am sure about a few key points, but the rest is up to fate.

One and One and One is Three

Come together right now, over me. - The Beatles

I forgot how awesome This song is, I feel so bad ass when I listen to it, like nobody can mess with me. I dragged myself kicking and screaming through hell with some work projects that almost got me dismissed from my position, needless to say HUGE weight has been lifted from my chest now, projects are over and the world is "normal" again. I went out with Doc and Easy, those boys can really live it up especially when they are passed their point of no return, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This awesomeness I am feeling can be confused as confidence, some say that it's a false sense of confidence but I say a false sense of confidence is better than none at all. My exercising has hit a bit of a plateau, I've begun Interval/Circuit training?( I think that's what it's called) on the treadmill hard for 5-7 minutes then weight train, then back on the treadmill again, I am exhausted after my workout and I hope to melt more fat soon as winter is coming and the last thing I need is to pack on more weight.

The weather is starting to get cold now time for sweaters and fall jackets, I just went shopping the past weekend and I found out that somehow I developed a sense of fashion, it's not great by any means but I do have one, I really enjoy a clean look even if I don't look like it and of course having your sister there to determine what's suitable helps a lot. As the last quarter begins I'm taking time to reflect on what I've learned over the course of the year, and I anticipate that the next time I write it will be long, reflective, repetitive and a good learning tool for myself.

"A+?" "Ok A-."

"I'll take the A-" - Michael Norasing

A Roller Coaster ride is what I've been through the past few weeks, Work, family, exercise and a big confidence booster just to name a few.

Work was rather bothersome as my existence in the office was questioned, it was rather silly but entirely my own fault for letting it get that far, I had taken up some projects that were considered outside of the job scope and I was not sure if I was able to get them finished, something I have been known to do, take on more than I can chew then watch everything slowly fall apart. I was determined to see these things through and make sure I finished what I started, even if it cost me my job. I have 1/2 assed things before, the difference here is this is my career and not a job I do in my spare time. I think it's safe to say that when my existence was questioned I was confused a bit as my record was pretty good, the office was working well and there had been no issues with my attitude or ability to fall in line. My paperwork and performing jobs outside of scope were questioned with a lot of it being more about upper management wanting to save money instead of my ability to work well and creating a legal way for me to be dismissed should I fail. Safe to say I managed to show upper management that my ability perform under pressure surpassed their expectations and I am currently safe till December, when my contract expires.

I've been playing tennis on the weekends with some friends. I have gotten better over the last few weeks but I need to improve and be more than someone who hustles for balls I am also way to strong on the ball, and trying to figure out positioning and how to properly use my backhand is fun and frustrating but overall I am pleased with my progress but I want to get better, maybe even beat the indians, surprisingly they are great at placinher.g shots, but getting to balls is not their speciality, I must learn how to capitalize on this. The weather is getting colder now, I don't know how much longer we'll have to do this so I'll enjoy it while it lasts.



Confidence is a big thing for me, learning how to be confident in all areas of life is a learned skill, as most people will run from their fears, and stick with what they know, I want to run towards my fears so they are no longer fears. My biggest fear would be the opposite sex. I've never feared being with the opposite sex, I've feared approaching them, as the uncertainty is something I'm uncomfortable with, nobody enjoys being in limbo about their chances with a potential mate where as others don't care and expose themselves so much that the odds will work out in the end. I was at a point where I was very tired of waiting for her. Life is very funny in showing you that good things do come to those who wait, in a stroke of luck I was given an opportunity show all I wanted to show, maybe not everything but I was pretty rusty, I couldn't of picked a better person to give me the chance to do so and for that I thank her for that. My confidence is renewed knowing that given the right timing anything is possible. I think about an episode of how I met your mother when Sarah Chalkes Character tells Josh Radnors character "she's out there, and she's on her way, and she's getting here as fast as she can."

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion...

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face. - Johnny Depp

Summer just zoomed by without as much as a hello, I remember thinking how hot and sticky it was going to get. Now it's almost over and I am going to miss it. The end of summer is near and I'm progressing? or staying the course? I don't know and frankly right about now I don't care.

I haven't seen anyone noteworthy over the summer because I have been keeping to myself. The lack of summer movies helps keep the money in my bank and keeping to myself keeps me grounded for now. Daily exercise and spending time with the ones I Cherish is a real treat for me.

Up to now I've been in a really good place, but the past month has been anything but, to be fair I think it's the law of averages or something because everything I've done to remedy this has just spiraled me down the rabbit hole even more. I find myself looking at they skies wondering how far down the hole I must go before I can return to the surface and my happy place, because right now I feel like Alice, only this isn't wonderland it's anything but. Each time I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper. I make sure to take deep breaths and look around for something to distract me from this free fall, right now it's going to the gym and seeing my family, those two things alone keep my sanity in check. I fear what happens if I lose one, or god forbid both. Each time I leave the gym or see my family I don't think about this hole I've got myself into or how long it will take for me to reach the surface, I think happy things like the girl whose in my dream.

This girl, I can't see her face cause it's always blurry and I can't hear her voice cause it sounds simlish (if you've ever played "the sims" you know what I mean) but it's definitely female. Sometimes during the dream we're in the courting stages going on dates, but other times we show signs of a couple whose been together for years, the body language shows that she's very comfortable with me, and laughs at my shortcomings. Another give-away is that we're eating dinner at my parents place which tells me she's a very important person in my life if she's met my parents, but it bugs me that I can't see her face. When I wake from the dream I am happy knowing that somewhere my sub-conscious picks me up when I am down or maybe it's trying to tell me something??

Now I am stuck in this state of confusion, should I try to dig my heels in and climb out knowing that my efforts just add depth or do I wait till I hit the ground to start my decent back up the rabbit hole?

Oh well, so be it. That will be all,

Oh well, so be it. That will be all, get out of here and hurry! - Vegeta dbz

The Anime never gets old for me, I love the cheesy quotes and the characters. Shortly it will be Thursday, one more day before Friday which signals the end to this storm I am in. The week thus far has not been awesome, I've been pushed around quite a bit and I just about reached my tipping point. Where does one begin? let me see...

Sunday was going well until I made an attempt to fix my vehicle which I have been put off fixing because I only want to fix what is required to make it run, apart from that I have no desire to put any money into it other than gas. Ultimately I had a blow up with my father over my ability to repair what was broken, I will say I made a mistake and I'm not perfect and repair was right, but my method was wrong so in my fathers eyes the entire repair was wrong. Nonetheless I was happy to have learned a valuable lesson in how my father works, something I'll take with me next time we have to work on any vehicles.

Monday was exceedingly bad as I had to take off work for some banking appointments, I will say I am questioning how banks treats it's customers. I was none to happy to change my schedule to accommodate them seeing as I'm the customer, but you gotta learn to compromise in life or you'll end up hating everything, or worse have this superficial idea that people have to bend to your will cause you are the awesomest person in the world.

Tuesday and Wednesday work was bonkers! anything and everything that was wrong went wrong. To make things more interesting I've been tapped for some projects that are going to be pretty awesome if I can get them finished, I am also trying to save my company from spending huge amounts of money on equipment it does not need.

I was talking with my friend about our work weeks and all he recommended to me was to "accept it" by that notion I knew what he meant. None of this crap is going to matter in five days, five hours or five years, So why the hell am I stressing out? I took a bunch of deep breaths and all the noises went away, people talking were silenced, phones stopped ringing and my eyes diverted to the window, looking outside as I took deep breaths periodically closing my eyes thinking about the silence, wanting the silence, knowing that even though I don't feel awesome right now, my awesomeness within is waiting to emerge again , I have to weather the storm. For now that will be all.

Mozoltov!!

Been a while since I wrote, a lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened so I can't really tell if things are up or down. The high I had for a while has all but disappeared, I have been trying to find it and have reverted back to old habits which frustrates me, but I forgive myself and move on. There's so much to be said about myself, what's happened in the last month and what is about to happen, let's start with the recent.

A friend of mine is prepping himself for a leave of absence to Korea to teach engrish ( notice the play on words? hehe) for a year and I am really proud of him, been a while since I've seen a real smile from him but when he talks about leaving I can see his eyes light up and he's in the moment immersed in what is about to happen and I can't be happier for him. My other friend, is on the downswing I can see in his eyes that he feels that this life is passing him by and he's unable to cope with his friends around him buzzing about and he feels very stagnant, recently graduated I implore to him to get his resume cleaned up and start sending them out, I don't know if he's listening and my level of interest is very little. Knowing him as well as I do I know that he's not the one to ask for help unless he needs it but sometimes it's too late and the opportunity is gone. I don't dare tell him anything where conflict happens cause his pride is hurt and resentment is created because his lovable buffoon friend seems more wise than he looks. I've been in that situation too many times thinking I was going to be a hero and ended up being the villain, Harvey Dent said "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." I agree with that statement and it's foreshadowing references, in my head I see that I am attempting to play the hero and his view of me is the villain, knowing this I can only see 2 possible outcomes and both point to the expiry date on our friendship.

We celebrated a birthday for a friend and it was good times, more importantly I got to see some friends I hadn't seen in a long time, I can't believe I almost didn't go out. Earlier that day I was thinking about not going cause I really just wanted to just hang out at home and be with family and the idea of going back to Hamilton didn't interest me at all but I sucked it up and glad I went. I did feel a little sorry for my friend cause the group was small and I can tell it was a little awkward for him but he played it pretty well, I'm just thankful I'm a 1/3 decent tension cutter on top of being quite lovable and awesome. Our late night meal was a mess, the highlight was eating chicken schwarma, god I LOVE food. Another highlight was seeing the hybrids, I forget that underneath the hard exterior they are softies at heart. Overall an awesome night and one I'll remember till the next one.


My routine for exercise has changed to incorporate more cardio and next week I begin this boot camp at work, I am really excited to see if I can make it through everything. a few people at work are doing it and they say it's tough! I am also interested in doing yoga, one of the hybrids is doing it so maybe I can tag a long with them for physical er.. moral support.

Happy people come from abundance

No external person/place/thing can bring that happiness to you. - Martin Wong


This statement is perceived as true but you have to believe the statement to understand it. Fully utilizing the concept you have to be free of a lot of things, ego, wealth, career, possessions, greed and hate to name a few. Waking up each day is a blessing in disguise, most of us take that for granted, I am not immune to such. People will stop learning when they've got it all figured out only to fall further down when things things get out of hand. I remember having a discussion with a friend on life and how it's a false sense of security, his explanation about how my career, my relationships, even my mortality is not a guarantee to go on past the next few seconds, I accepted his opinion as I always did, he's always gave cryptic messages about life that I would figure out, sometimes I think it's so I will leave him alone, but that's not his nature, even if it was, I wouldn't know it, nor did I care, anything we talked about had some truth to it, he's rarely steered me wrong, there's no reason for him to start now.

I began my current job with a bit of luck and a handful of experience, cause I stepped into a situation that was above and beyond anything I had experienced before, the world of corporate business where the people can be transparent, the politics are tough and the ego clashes happen more than times than Jenna Jameson has movies. I've been here 1.5 years and I have learned to remind myself everyday that I am Michael Norasing and being awesome is what I am good at, everyone is my equal, your title is just a prefix to your ego and your ego will be your downfall. In the midst of trying to maneuver the corporate world, I got lost somewhere along the way and became dependent on those around me to provide me with the empty feeling that was created by living alone. I began limiting myself to those around me, I came to see that the friends in Hamilton and some friends back home didn't view me as a friend but more of an annoyance, I was happy to see that when I did, which allowed me to identify my value and leave what was left of it. Taking solace in soaking up the alone time I'd recently fell into I made the most of it, busying myself with side projects, re-tagging/listening all my music, watching movies, exercising, typing out my thoughts and reading. I learned to enjoy my own company, enjoy the silence, enjoy my imagination, most of all I enjoyed knowing that the limited interaction I did have, I didn't take for granted. That lesson itself was pretty awesome, I have a better appreciation for the word "friend" and more more importantly a better love of myself.

"Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent" - Steve Jobs

I'd been avoiding a few topics in my head cause they scared me so much, a real big one was death. That quote above sums it up pretty nicely because it IS life's changing agent, it doesn't matter if the change is good or bad death changes a lot of things inside of us, the idea that we'll have time to do things like get an MBA, see your parents, find a soulmate, get married, have a career, all of these things aren't guaranteed, they are educated guesses in the life we live, we make choices and tend to value things that really have no meaning, this is something I am not immune to and when I find myself doing as such, I forgive myself and learn from it, that's all you can do. Striving to create an awesome Life has to start somewhere....... Ala Begin!!!

Cause the story I heard is the people are bored.......

so don't go that way, don't go that way - Blind Pilot


I read a lot how the journey to reach your goals outweighs actually hitting them which for the most part is very true. I can't count the times I have begun a journey only to stop because people said I could not do it, or in fear that I will fail. We've all done that in some part. What separates us? The ones who dare to start the trip not knowing what will happen and the ones who don't dare to take a step out the door. That's what separates us.

I've been in a pretty good spot laying low under the radar enjoying what I've got. I've seen what destructive power people can wield over you when they think they're "better" than you in what they've achieved in their life. Any form of education, work title, material possessions, does not make you awesome in my book, having character, being a good person makes you aces in my book and that's enough for me. I've only met a handful of people like that, I don't even count myself on that list cause I am not as awesome as they are, I strive for their awesomeness knowing that I'll get there somehow. On a different tangent I really do feel like Vegeta from dbz. I never fully understand how some people got to be as awesome as they are and just like Vegeta I want what they have, but I am not willing to sacrifice my well being to have it. I know that if I apply myself and keep an open mind I can get there. They say "better late than never." I think that's right, cause I am pretty d@mn late to this party.

On the flip side I found out some not awesome news at work, I always knew my career was not concrete but it's the path I took and I don't regret it one bit. Somehow going back to school seems more and more like a reality, until I am presented with such a path I'll be cautious about this path I'm on.

Opening is just the start...

To see me for all the stupid Sh*t I've done - Blind Pilot


I've been been in solitude for a while keeping myself busy, I haven't picked up a book in a while, I reckon I'll do that towards the end of the week. I have noticed I've been paying a lot of attention to myself during this time, exercising and getting back to the things I love have helped quite a bit. I was discussing things with my dad last time I was home and I can see how proud he is of his kids. I am quite proud of myself with what I have accomplished so far but I gotta keep focused on my goals and not to waver from them too much, I am pretty close to a goal of mine I just have to stick with it!

Exercising has been pretty helpful for me, I've been going to the gym at my work for the past year and have seen results which gave me confidence in how I look, which gave me confidence in other areas of my life, all in all my confidence level is higher than it ever was, which makes for a happier Michael. My relationships have taken a back seat as I was trying to figure out some stuff, those who I thought of as "friends" are not so friendly anymore, I removed myself from some friendships that were stumping my ability to grow as a person, which has been tough and has led me down this road of solitude where I can't hear anything but my own thoughts. Such a place is scary at first but over time I've become quite comfortable with it. Overall I am enjoying this ride I am on, I feel much better than I did before, I can't see the horizon yet but I know it's coming.

Soldiers, you've got to soldier on

What a long weekend, it was pretty awesome!! A great way to unwind and just let go. I personally think weekends should be 3 days, but I don't make the rules!!

I spent time with my buddies in Niagara who I always have fun with. I enjoyed a simple game of monolopy (with some nifty rules) more than I ever would heading out for a night on the town. Life is simple, there's no need to complicate it. I slacked off on the gym since I have been really busy with side projects but now I'm heading back with a new motivation and a commitment to eating healthier, I am going to eliminate cheat days and eat less carbs, focus more on fruits, vegetables, protein shakes, combined with some cardio. I have my spring/summer routine set! This should be fun to try, small steps first, my goal is to see results by June, and modify thereafter. My mates at work have been really helpful and supportive by giving me pointers and things to try out, so I will see how it goes.

I took a plunge to remove objects in my life that were not helping me take steps and the results have been pretty good so far, nothing horrible to report but I've found that their absence has helped in ways I was not aware of before, I am still treading lightly but it gets easier every day. I learned that the ones closest to you are the ones who can cut the deepest, which would explain why I seem distant from quite a few people who I was so close to before. A lot has to be said of these people, but I won't bother to say it. I will say I am not perfect and I have made mistakes in the past and will continue to make mistakes, I'm human. I am more aware of what mistakes I am making and whose presence I am in when I make them.

A friend of mine had me stumped the other day, I chalk it up to the inability to cope with stress or having a very short patience stick when stuff hits the fan, they've always been a quiet person but lately I have seen a side of them that I do not like, any conversation that begins civil turns ugly, I choose just to keep quiet and let things pass or just change the subject, there is just too much of their ego at stake when we speak and I would rather let them speak to justify themselves. The world is harsh when nobody listens to you, the least I can do is give them that.

All at once

Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same. - The Fray


I've found myself enjoying the days far more than I ever did. The people I surround myself with are just amazing, it's a tiny pack I run with but I can't describe how amazing they are. I haven't been reading much, mainly because I've been pretty selfish and ignoring a lot of outside interference. The hardest part of a plan isn't exactly sticking to it, but making the necessary changes if your plan isn't working and adapt to those changes. Even if the changes don't fit into your initial plans you can make adjustments and adapt, the idea is to keep things moving while keeping your end goal in perspective, for some the end result is to lead a good life, for others it's to be rich or find that special someone you grow old and have a family with. I haven't really defined what my end goals are but I am damn sure that I want to look at my life and have no regrets.

Life in technicolor

Lately I've forgot to laugh at myself, it's an important lesson to learn. I am a very small thing in this world, there are bigger things than me and I lose sight of that at times. This Big business sector I am in is definitely easier than it looks, I just don't have the formula to make big business my career of choice right now, but someday I might, I am too caught up in myself that I don't want to be bothered by it.
I'd much rather focus on the things I care about the most, my family and my happiness. I've managed to keep work below those things. my family and my happiness.

Right now family=gold, happiness=silver and work=bronze. For some people this is just not possible, but you see it can be quite simple, ask any olympian whose won a gold or silver medal if they'd trade it in for a bronze, they'd say hell no, they've worked so hard to get that medal why on earth would they trade down? that is exactly how I feel and I intend to keep it that way

Steady as she goes

I caught the flu that's been going around the office and have been consuming fluids and medication to be rid of this, low and behold today is a big payoff! I feel a lot better than I did 72 hours ago. I am holding steady to a lot of things right now, and it's only fitting that my health is the one that suffers, I am making progress in a lot of areas my main focus being fitness, I have put a focus on cardio now, hopefully I can shed a few pounds to lean myself out a bit. I have reached a nice plateau that I will enjoy for a bit before I change it up again. My personal development has hit a plateau as well and I plan on staying and enjoying it here for a bit before I start looking to change things up. I tell myself that if you wants things done right you do them yourself. Staying steady right now is quite hard when all you see in front of you is so tempting, I am very tempted to pickup a work visa and enjoy myself for a year, but I can make such a decision in due time, just stay the course Mike, you'll get a chance.

I see signs now all the time

This life is not easy to live, love or enjoy, but I am learning, living and understanding how to. Whenever I topple over one obstacle another appears. Lately I've been wrapped in my own head about my career, where do I see it going? do I want to be doing this the rest of my life? Will I be able to find a job after this year? I've been asking myself these questions each day I step into the office, I leave them there when I come home, then I revisit them again when I go into work.

Since the beginning of the quarter the office has been somewhat dead, on account that we let some people go, I for one don't find myself scrambling to impress anyone because I am a department of one, but I spend the majority of my day helping people with their computer issues, the issues are few and far between, some ranging from critical (network is down) to minor(wireless button is not on) I spend each day solving problems for the technically impaired which I do not mind, but I do wonder how much longer I can continue to do this if I am not challenged, I find that my day is very routine based, almost mundane. I take from it what I can and inject fun whenever possible, to be blunt I FIND the fun in work, I enter happy, and I leave happy, end of story.

On top of that my contract ends this year, I have not decided if I will return if its renewed, mainly because I have been toiling with the idea of trying to obtain a one year work permit in Australia, it's been one of my top 5 places to visit and if things go my way financially, I will consider this option. My age and my career are at a point where I can go and try new things, come back and pickup where I left off. I owe it to myself to try it.

The Brightest of the head

If I'd oblige the odds are I'd find
What makes a man is inside, inside, inside - Starfly 59


Tuesday, 2nd of five days and I have just come off watching my favorite show from Monday, Chuck. Last nights show had a point of showing that every man has his strengths and should they defer from them they will look foolish. The line of love is a fine line a man walks, any deviance from the norm can put him in compromising situations. Being who you are in the end may not get you the best girl, but you'll get the girl that's best for you.

I saw that first hand on Saturday evening, I celebrated my coaching victory(4-0 baby!!) by going out to dinner with my extended family. Through it all I observed a married couple who just fit, even with the ribbing of me and a certain someone they took it in stride. Their personalities compliment each other so well, something I admire about them very much, dare I say a little jealous, not in a bad way, but a way that makes me want what they've got, so much that I feel I should start acting, and failing in spectacular fashion instead of just observing and contemplating. There's so much about failure that I know about and yet there's so much I haven't failed at.

The Solids - Hey Beautiful

Things have an unexpected way of happening to re-assure you that life is good and awesome.

I found myself as such when I had dinner with a friend before her long overdue vacation. Last I spoke to her was just before christmas and we had a difference of opinion of friendship. Since then I had noticed that I was an arms length friend at most. Something I had grown to accept, I was well aware of what my friendship was worth and what kind of friend I am. I harbored no hard feelings towards her at all. Do I wish there was more tea and dinners? hell yea, who wants to be cramped up in a house for extended periods of time? I've learned a lesson and I am not going to reach out when I don't have to. I'll leave that for the ones who are insecure and needy.


Dinner itself was pretty awesome, I had chicken schwarma (mmmmm schwarma...) I definitely enjoyed catching up . Most of the talk was about her(cause she really wanted to spent the evening listening to how awesome I am =D). Listening to her describe herself through the eyes of another was pretty comical to me, as these were things I've mentioned to her in fewer words. I was very happy seeing that she understood these things about herself, she's grown a bit since I last saw her(which is awesome!). I was more than happy to lighten the mood(at times) for such an intense topic. When these things come to the forefront its a real eye opener. Since I've began this dinner/tea outing I see progress on her end which is great, however I feel that this a book I have read before, no matter how many times I have read it the ending is still the same and I haven't learned anything new, maybe I just like reading these kinds of books? Next time I think I'll try a choose your own adventure book.


In an recent turn of events I've got this hop in my step again, I am very refreshed and back to the awesomeness that is Michael. My work has gotten up to speed and I have found a new way to connect with those around me, I just awesome everywhere and people lick it up like honey. I'm awesome

Tim Myers - The Good life

"Life is beautiful its true.When I balance what I do and enjoy the world in front of me" - Tim Myers

I found myself sitting at my parents place this weekend without motivation, just sitting there being selfish and relaxing with no distractions. The past few months I had been on auto-pilot and managed to grow an awesome beard. I say awesome cause growing a beard is something asian people are not able to do successfully, my beard wasn't great by any standards but it was frickin awesome. Those that saw it gave my praise and those who found it weird, they were just jealous

Saturday night, I hooked up with a buddy for games, which we hadn't done in ages( playing games with him is awesome. He's just like me, but he's much more gifted with the paddle then I am) During our session we begin talking about stuff and I find that he's still hung up on this decision that I thought was resolved. Looking back, each time we play games he proceeds to tell me the same thing, I claim ignorance because each time the variables change, but the equation stays the same. I find it easier for me to let him stare down two roads than suggest any, because any suggestion I make is met with an impenetrable force of ego that I don't think I'll ever want to crack. Add that my suggestions are met with deaf ears so I don't bother. Through the discussion my own decisions come into question and I started to wonder if I really made the right choice when I was faced with them. thinking about it now I KNOW those choices I made are right because that's what life is. A series of choices and each choice you make you believe to be right for the circumstance. Before I went to bed that night I said a little prayer for him hoping he would see that the whatever decision he makes will be right and having second thoughts will further him down a spiral of what if's and could of beens.

I've been growing this beard the better part of 2.5 months and it has served me well, but last night after my parents went to bed, I was sitting on the couch admiring my beard when I started thinking of why I grew this thing in the first place and I couldn't remember why other than just wanting to see if my genetics would allow me to grow one. With that out of the way, I began noticing that I had been completley content with this thing on my face, something I said I did not want to be, I never wanted to be content with my job, my weight, my awesomeness, my life I wanted to keep moving. So I shaved my beard, which made me a little sad but I knew it was right. Seeing my boyish good looks in the mirror made me happy and motivated again, one of the best decisions I've made in 09.

Rascall Flatts - I'm Movin On

Only 22 days in and I find myself somewhere I haven't been in a while, isolation. I made a decision to leave behind a few things that were not helping me progress which was frustrating for me seeing as I had no idea what would happen, but in my gut I knew it was for the best. I didn't stop cold turkey but it seems like it. Recently I've been trying to connect with my sis, overall she's pretty damn awesome, (weird how siblings can be like that huh?) She's never been accustomed to my goofiness, nor my ability to take things seriously in her presence. The side I see of her is an opposite of me in some ways, others not so much. I find myself playing the big bro part more and more, maybe it's her way of communicating or me doing what's expected, I just know for now I am doing feels good and that's all that matters.

My ideal of work took a hit yesterday, it's not all peaches and cream, I almost forgot how unruly and ruthless the world of big business can be. I saw first hand what corporate restructuring looks like as a few co-workers got let go. Having to say goodbye to friends is not awesome. I have good memories working with them, I will remember all the praises they gave me, they were so good at raising my spirits when I was down and so awesome at making me feel at home when I first got here. Naturally I feel for them, they have families, mortgages, property taxes, car payments and I wonder how they'll manage. I spent my last few thoughts before bed thinking about them and their families. I was thinking the quote "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." surely applies here.

I've been working on "Project Awesome" for quite some time, and it has worked out as great as I imagined. I often get asked "what the hell is this awesome thing about?" I always tell them it's whatever you want it to be, good, bad, horrible, great, awesome is whatever you want it to be. Lately that has not been the case at my work. My place of work is polluted with cynicism, and I fear that I am allowing it to pollute me. All I know is nothing is for certain. Outside of this place life is awesome, where I enjoy the pleasures of my choosing. I will find a way to pass through this and be awesome once more I am sure of it. I'm so awesome.