#newyearnewme
I don't understand hashtags, I actually thought they were a huge joke since I had been using them throughout the year. I'm a simple guy, my family and friends will tell you that, part of getting older I guess. 2015 appeared to be a great setup for 2016, then found myself staring at a very big wall. More on that later.
I walked into 2015 like previous years, looking forward to it. I took up lifting 3 years ago, by now I had a good level of strength when I needed it but I lacked discipline with my eating habits to look like I go to a gym. My goal for 2015 was simple, hit the 1k club (google is your friend :) ) and look like I lift weights. I very much admired those guys in the gym that looked so shredded. Truth be told I started lifting weights to get girls, which is super selfish I know, but at least I'm honest about it? I wanted to be gawked at like the really attractive people at clubs or in public. I never experienced that before and I felt it was something I wanted to experience. Eventually it morphed into a combination of self-confidence and self doubt, and criticizing myself when I wouldn't be able to hit the 1k club by the end of 2015. Setbacks and lack of dedication thwarted those attempts and I had nobody to blame but myself.
I know its normal to get down on yourself but some people will tell you I am the KING at it. I beat myself up more than anyone I know, I constantly tell myself I'm never good enough, for this, or I'll never have that, if you repeat it enough you'll start to believe your own hype, no matter how dumb or ridiculous it sounds. At this time my workouts started to stagnant and I began to become frustrated, angry and a loose cannon. My workout partner voiced their displeasure mentioning they always had to watch what they said around me cause frankly I was just a negative person to be around. When you spend years only focusing on the negative verbal queues from friends or family it will take its toll. Anytime I start start to feel good and it stopped for whatever reason I felt like the world is going to end, stupid I know. I had the negative portion down pat and all I asked of him to was to keep pushing me, keep being positive, nothing more. A lot of this I internalized, its not his job to tell me when I did good, I have to learn this on my own, recognition for how awesome I am instead of just saying how crappy I am.
I carried this thought/feeling for most of the year till the 2nd week of December. My Career stopped that week. I'd never been laid off before. A Career I had worked at since I was 21 suddenly stopped, that's it, over and done. Discarded like an old dog, with no value. I don't harbor ill will towards my previous employer, I will miss the relationships I formed and I am sure down the line I will see some of them again. Here I am, 33 years old, my lone source of income, my career on pause on account of corporate restructuring. Funny thing was, losing my job wasn't as big of a shock to me as I thought. I did feel a sense of 'loss'. Was I not good enough? was I bad bad worker? No, it was them losing out an a great employee who loved their career and the people he worked with. The loss definitely was theirs which was affirmed by my many co workers who voiced their displeasure to upper management. That chapter has closed and now its time to write another.
I didn't even see the shot coming that put me on my ass, it was good medicine for mind and body. I had Rocky's quote about life in my cubicle. Something that resonates with me most of the time when life hits hard.
it ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. - Rocky Balboa
2016. Here. I. Come. #newyearnewme
