2019+

Hi. What’s happened since 2019? Life goes on. Lets review.

I got a job at a cannabis company midway through 2019. I enjoyed being in the space, but the lack of structure made me despise the environment. They did me a favour and closed the facility down. I bounced around to a few jobs, and landed at an ‘institution’ I thought would make me happy, but it made me feel like I was a 2nd class citizen, so I moved on. My career is defined by how long I can do this, not how long I've worked at one company.

2020+ was pretty good. x2 things happened… well x3 things. I have a niece and nephew and I met someone. Being an uncle was/is probably the best thing for me mentally. I had been holding onto some demons/trauma for so long cause it was the only ‘comforting’ thing I had in my life, which was NOT healthy, so I began working on them. Being able to deal with trauma is hard as f*ck, but that sweet feeling of peace is worth the work. I’m not done there are still hurdles left. These x2 are going to get the best version of me for their sake and selfishly, mine too.

Meeting someone whose life perspective is the complete opposite of mine was a REAL test for me, I am glad for that and her. I was able to understand not only myself and her, but others as well. We’re all human and want the same things, to be loved, heard, supported, and feel cared for. I learned I am VERY guarded about my happiness and I don’t want to tell anyone about it, which is rather selfish of me. I’m not hurting anyone from it, so I am being selfish with it.

Active listening, not very well. I still suck at it, but am miles ahead from when I started. I was never a good listener, more the observant type, but marrying these x2 have enriched my life more than I thought they could.

I shrank/grew some circles. Everyone tells you your circles will change as you get older and you never think about it till you’ve had some time to meet with past circles when you were younger, you can see how much both of you have changed, it's just life, hell I’d be worried if we didn’t change in some way. I am grateful for what time I can spend with them, it’s all love in the end.

Slow and steady wins the race, consistency trump bursts of effort. I am going to keep pushing into 2024 and make more changes that improve the things I’ve built since my last entry. Going to Enjoy what’s left in 2023 and keep this train moving into the new year. Peace, Love in 2024 folks. 

2018-->2019

I'm a few months too late. But I needed to process everything.

To start, I've regressed. Faced some hard truths and came to the realize that I'm not as happy as I thought I was.

My grandma passed away earlier this year. That was undoubtedly the worst feeling I have ever felt. I visited her the day before she passed, I got the news at work and was unconsolable. The fact that death comes for us all is scary as fuck,  undefeated in the mortal realm. Learning to accept my own mortality is a tough one, I always shyed away from it cause, death is f*cking scary. I have a hard time accepting that I'll cease to exist someday and when that day comes if I'll be surrounded by my loved ones? Or all alone? Which brings me to...

My non existent love life...it doesn't exist..yet it does. I call it shrodingers love. I feel that I'll find someone that I click with, but going on dates hasn't been encouraging. But both of these things are sure.  If I don't go on them, I'll never find her, if I stop I definitely won't find her.

This'll be my goal for 2019. Get back to being me and find my way again, I somehow lost my path. But if I keep moving, nobody can stop me.

Adiós 2017

What a year. I a lot happened a lot stayed the same and a lot changed. While im sad to see it go, I'm happy to start again.

The world works in weird ways.  Sometimes  it  tells you things that you ignore and other times you completely miss the message.

I took a prerty big pay cut to work closer to home, but the job I took is not the job I signed up for..so I'm in a catch 22 at the moment. Something I hope to change in the new year. I will say there is solace in having my sanity, my time and my life back. So I can't really complain.

The gym has been very hit and miss since I've been back, I haven't been able to discipline myself and eat like crap more often than I care to admit. I'm just too comfortable with my surroundings to make any changes. This is something that definitely is on my list to change next year and probably my most important change that needs to be made. I did this to myself and I need to be better to get myself out of it.

My love life has been non existent for a VERY long time. I'm 35 now, on the cusp of an area of my life where I am on the outside looking at all my of my married friends having kids, and having a life that I always thought I would have. Sad to say it but I feel like a complete failure in this area. I miss the daily interaction of a relationship the stupid funny parts that make it work and all the quirks that come with it.

2018 is the year I tackle the 2 things that scared me. Hola 2018!!!

2017 Almost over!

We're past the 1/2 way point of 2017 now.  A lot has changed, some good, some bad. We'll start with the bad first.


I found a new place of work since I was laid off. but it was the WORST possible place for me to go to. I knew I wanted out of there before my 3 month probation was up but bills gotta be paid yo, so I worked and learned that I cannot work for a place that is micromanaged beyond repair.

 I took a trip in April with some car friends that started out well and ended up almost stranded. I am glad I had them to walk me through every thing and STAY CALM. I almost lost my marbles a few times, but I am glad I didn't.

I gained weight. As I was working the micromanage place I put on about 10lbs on account of not being able to work out and all the stress of being micromanaged. I am not a happy Panda

Now the good news!

I quit micromanage village and found another job that I am very happy and content with.

While on my trip, I learned a LOT about my car and my driving style/ability. Am I a better driver cause of it? not really. did I learn enough that I can be a better driver? heck yea. picking up a few tricks along the way really helps. but for now this has been my favorite good news.


last but not least. I am BACK AT THE GYM. I am way too excited to get back to the gym and get rid of these 10lbs I put on. Let's get sweaty.

-Mike

#finishwhatyoustarted

Where did 2016 go?  it's been an interesting year. a lot changed, yet a lot didn't.

Beginning of this year sucked. really sucked I spent the first couple of months feeling sorry for myself, going to coffees and hitting the gym. I tried my best to keep some sense of normality with all this available time I gained, but all I could focus on was how lost I was, how much I hated the feeling of not having a job and feeling like a failure it had defined me for so long, and now without one, I was lost.

Perspective is a weird thing. When things happen we usually draw on our initial feelings how awesome or sucky something is. I had a lot of time to think about my life, Where was I headed? was my career what I really wanted to do with my life? Will I ever find love? How I was going to turn this sinking ship around? that's a lot of unanswered questions. With nothing but time and lifting to keep me keep me company I had A LOT of time to think about these things.

I had a moment of clarity one evening while out for a few friends. One in particular was very unhappy with their life, specifically their financial situation. Since I've known them they never found their 'career' job, they shuffled from job to job, yet here they were complaining about not having enough money to purchase this car part, pay that bill, eat at this restaurant.

Yet there I was,no job, keeping everything afloat with whatever I was getting from EI and I was perfectly okay without a stress in the world. Despite not having a job, income that was going to expire after the summer, no love life, nor awesome car parts. All of my bills were paid and I had a little bit left over to go out for a beer, I was content.

Having enough or not enough is a choice we make. Something that was abundantly clear that night.

Eventually I managed to sort out my situation and landed a job in a very big canadian company, I'm happy. but I still feel somewhat unfulfilled. Working there has torn me away from some of the things I love, mainly working out. Lifting was a constant for the past 3+years of my life. I worked hard to hit some impressive goals and now I find myself not putting a priority on it cause work has taken a big chunk of time out of that.

I need the balance back in my life or else I'll be bored and unhappy with everything around me.

I'll have to work harder and be better. A year from now I hope I can say I did that.

#2016

#newyearnewme

I don't  understand hashtags, I actually thought they were a huge joke since I had been using them throughout the year. I'm a simple guy, my family and friends will tell you that, part of getting older I guess. 2015 appeared to be a great setup for 2016, then found myself staring at a very big wall. More on that later.

I walked into 2015 like previous years, looking forward to it.  I took up lifting 3 years ago, by now I had a good level of strength when I needed it but I lacked discipline with my eating habits to look like I go to a gym. My goal for 2015 was simple, hit the 1k club (google is your friend :) ) and look like I lift weights. I very much admired those guys in the gym that looked so shredded. Truth be told I started lifting weights to get girls, which is super selfish I know, but at least I'm honest about it? I wanted to be gawked at like the really attractive people at clubs or in public. I never experienced that before and I felt it was something I wanted to experience.  Eventually it morphed into a combination of self-confidence and self doubt, and criticizing myself when I wouldn't be able to hit the 1k club by the end of 2015. Setbacks and lack of dedication thwarted those attempts and I had nobody to blame but myself. 

I know its normal to get down on yourself but some people will tell you I am the KING at it. I beat myself up more than anyone I know, I constantly tell myself I'm never good enough, for this, or  I'll never have that, if you repeat it enough you'll start to believe your own hype, no matter how dumb or ridiculous it sounds. At this time my workouts started to stagnant and I began to become frustrated, angry and a loose cannon. My workout partner voiced their displeasure mentioning they always had to watch what they said around me cause frankly I was just a negative person to be around. When you spend years only focusing on the negative verbal queues from friends or family it will take its toll. Anytime I start start to feel good and it stopped for whatever reason I felt like the world is going to end, stupid I know. I had the negative portion down pat and all I asked of him to was to keep pushing me, keep being positive, nothing more. A lot of this I internalized, its not his job to tell me when I did good, I have to learn this on my own, recognition for how awesome I am instead of just saying how crappy I am.

I carried this thought/feeling for most of the year till the 2nd week of December. My Career stopped that week. I'd never been laid off before. A Career I had worked at since I was 21 suddenly stopped, that's it, over and done. Discarded like an old dog, with no value. I don't harbor ill will towards my previous employer, I will miss the relationships I formed and I am sure down the line I will see some of them again. Here I am, 33 years old, my lone source of income, my career on pause on account of corporate restructuring. Funny thing was, losing my job wasn't as big of a shock to me as I thought. I did feel a sense of 'loss'. Was I not good enough? was I bad bad worker? No, it was them losing out an a great employee who loved their career and the people he worked with. The loss definitely was theirs which was affirmed by my many co workers who voiced their displeasure to upper management. That chapter has closed and now its time to write another. 

I didn't even see the shot coming that put me on my ass, it was good medicine for mind and body. I had Rocky's quote about life in my cubicle. Something that resonates with me most of the time when life hits hard.

 it ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. - Rocky Balboa

2016. Here. I. Come. #newyearnewme

To be successful you have to be selfish. .

or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don't isolate - Michael Jordan

I've always had this sense of self-righteousness outside of my friends, when I am not with them I take their teachings and try to apply them to my daily life and for sometime now I felt something was lacking for everything I have done there is still a lot I haven't accomplished

Admittedly I believed they were much smarter than I could ever be, I fell into a lull and was amazed at a lot of the stuff they were accomplishing on their own. All the while forgetting I had my own stuff to do. I found myself eventually reverting back into this mentality that I will get there if I just wait it out. They didn't wait for anything, why should I?

I was doing them a disservice by ignoring my own life by still hovering in theirs. I still don't understand fully but I don't have time to find out, I only have time to understand what is useful to me and throw away what is useless. Rocky says keep moving forward and that's what I am going to do.

Everything around me is changing now, and I HAVE to learn to adapt to this. Last night I sat in my house for a few hours in solitude, thinking about my life up to that very point.

I though about my education, my short career, my family, my love life and what it all means to me, where do I go from here and if I am ready to be unselfish? My answer was no, I'm not ready to be unselfish. I haven't achieved enough, I haven't learned enough about myself and I definitely haven't reached any of my potential yet.

Mike says "Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen." This quote has 3 parts, I only ever paid attention to the first two.