Mike's Place

To be successful you have to be selfish. .

2011-01-28T09:52:00.003-05:00

or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don't isolate - Michael Jordan

I've always had this sense of self-righteousness outside of my friends, when I am not with them I take their teachings and try to apply them to my daily life and for sometime now I felt something was lacking for everything I have done there is still a lot I haven't accomplished

Admittedly I believed they were much smarter than I could ever be, I fell into a lull and was amazed at a lot of the stuff they were accomplishing on their own. All the while forgetting I had my own stuff to do. I found myself eventually reverting back into this mentality that I will get there if I just wait it out. They didn't wait for anything, why should I?

I was doing them a disservice by ignoring my own life by still hovering in theirs. I still don't understand fully but I don't have time to find out, I only have time to understand what is useful to me and throw away what is useless. Rocky says keep moving forward and that's what I am going to do.

Everything around me is changing now, and I HAVE to learn to adapt to this. Last night I sat in my house for a few hours in solitude, thinking about my life up to that very point.

I though about my education, my short career, my family, my love life and what it all means to me, where do I go from here and if I am ready to be unselfish? My answer was no, I'm not ready to be unselfish. I haven't achieved enough, I haven't learned enough about myself and I definitely haven't reached any of my potential yet.

Mike says "Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen." This quote has 3 parts, I only ever paid attention to the first two.

The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man.

2010-12-06T10:51:00.004-05:00

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present." - Alice Morse Earle

Mike's Yearly reflection: Review of my emotional , physical and mental state.

Learning to enjoy each day to it's fullest was quite a challenge this year, so many ups and downs I don't know where to begin. I guess I can stat with my emotional state. I've been all over the place emotionally throughout the year, just when I thought I'd hit a emotional plateau, I plummet into the abyss or rise above the clouds. Keeping my emotions in check has always been hard for me, something I've had to cope with for some time, when growing up I had to battle bouts of depression and to this day I still do, but having a close knit group around me definitely helps.

I've never really been able to review my emotional state cause it's my weakest. Learning to accept that those around me are going to pass away someday was such a big shock to my system when it hits close to home. Knowing this is one thing, accepting it is another. Death is a necessary(although it can be untimely) part of life, which has given me reason to make sure those around me know how much I care about them. Death does have the ability to bring people together, it showed me why I need to think about myself and those around me everyday, to be thankful that they're in my life.

My greatest gains this year were from my physical state, I managed to look way sexier than I usually do and for it I gained so much self confidence that it's borderline arrogance on my part, a bit of a drawback. I will admit that what I got out of it is much more than I had put in, right now I look "proportionate" Clothes fit me alright and while I haven't lost a lot of weight. I have more muscles to show for it! yay for muscle density!! What impresses me most is the amounts I'm lifting, what I lift now I was ever able to do a year ago, I impress myself sometimes which can be a good thing!

Mentally I've always been just above or below "normal". This year was just learning to embrace my mentality to allow my brain to roll with the punches and just let it be, allow logic and reasoning to step in when needed and allow myself to be aloof everywhere else. Take my position at work, I walk a fine line and I'm able to do it with ease, a lot of stuff rolls off my back cause I don't play politics and I don't care to coddle people cause for every adult I find, there's 10 pre-teen kids that look like adults, but seldom act like so. I've found that work me and non work me are more in sync than I thought they'd be. Which means less brain activity in having to think about how to accommodate for people who have a lack of respect for fellow co-workers or who don't understand that your job title means absolutely nothing to me. Less brain activity for Mike means more time spent on things that Mike likes.

My job is shifting to Markham and though theres still a job for me, I will not be making the move with the team. I feel like Will Smith in the last few episodes of Fresh Prince (no nostalgic reference needed, cause if you didn't watch Fresh prince you ain't cool). In a way I am glad this is happening, I had thought about quitting for some time but kept the status quo for financial stability, with the move it's given me this opportunity to explore what is really out there maybe go back to school, travel for a bit, or hit the gym really hard and carve out a sexy Jason Statham Body? all of those sound really good to me, but for now I'll be in this cubicle till the end of April. Till then keep safe have a Happy New Year and tell those around you that you love them!

-Mikey

I must admit I can't explain

2010-09-23T22:57:00.002-04:00

Any of these thoughts racing through my brain - The Black keys

I've been stationary and moving at the same time, I've got this feeling of stop motion going on and I don't know if it will continue or just keep going, each time I move I find myself frozen wanting to soak up each moment and continue onto the next. Writing my own story has been an amazing experience thus far, I've been writing from the heart which would explain why majority of what I write doesn't really make sense to anyone other than myself, but I don't write for those to read, I write for myself.

Lately this period of my life has been really interesting, the more I find myself detaching from those around me the more I am drawn to them, like a moth to the flame. For me this is good and bad. A lot of my friends have lives of their own right now, some are getting married, some are having kids, some are getting divorced and some are going back to school. As for me I don't know where I am right now and I am fine with that, I am fine with the way things are at this moment. There was a period of time when I was told in a very honest way an assessment of myself, someone I valued very much decided to let me have it, to say a person can be totally honest with you and just exit your life is very sad and in a way a very good learning tool, a piece of this truth hit me in the gut: "You are also too concerned with the destination rather than the journey of what you want to be and how you want to be as a person. In order to grow and mature into the man you want to be, that takes life experiences and taking something, assessing it and do it differently" I knew right there. Immediately I threw away any credibility in myself, in where I was going and what I wanted to project to the people I loved, cherished and valued. I started from scratch, it was refreshing as people thought something was wrong with me, I really began to help myself and in turn helped others, it's been an awesome experience so far, I will build off this and enjoy each moment

Save the Last Dance for me.

2010-07-02T17:25:00.003-04:00

So darlin' save the last dance for me - Michael Buble

I have this nagging feeling that I'm meant for more things than what I am doing right now, it's an urge that needs to be filled, I don't know what it is? Ambition maybe? the want and need to be free from the shackles of a 9-5, I want to experience the world as it is, I want to LIVE instead of existing. I've been asking myself how I can accomplish this, whether it be from investing in myself to take more school, or just pay off all my debts and take a one way ticket somewhere and see if I can make it? it all sounds surreal, but very very real.

At this point I am going to look into my options and what is available to me, working abroad seems like so much fun, although I'll have to get some documents to get it done, it's the experience I am after, maybe I'll quit my job and travel Europe for a few months? I'm certainly not thinking straight and I know I had to get this down on some sort of writing cause I haven't been thinking clearly the past few weeks.

Maybe a clearing of my head to clear the cobwebs? or something more. Each day I walk into the office I find myself thinking of ways to liven my day up, I no longer take joy in doing things that made work fun, the best part of working a 9-5 for me is the drive to and from work, just driving with some good tunes and my thoughts gives me peace to get to the next day, am I growing up? or am i just being childish in wanting to be completely left in silence? maybe on some level subconsciously I feel very misunderstood? in the comics all the Hulk wanted was to be left alone. I find myself wanting this as well, I find that those around me are just a constant noise that clouds my judgement, or sways me in a direction that I don't want to point.

When I am alone I take peace in the facts that I have arrived at are my own, I take peace in knowing that I have nobody to please other than myself, I take peace that knowing that everyone I meet is attempting to meet the expectations of those around them, instead of meeting the expectations of themselves.

I wonder where this sense of wanting to be alone comes from, is it the queue of greatness? or just a way of telling myself that I don't need anything else? So many questions, and each day is a day wasted in trying to find answers.

With silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants, the old soft shoe.

2010-05-16T14:44:00.003-04:00

He jumped so high, jumped so high, then he lightly touched down. - Sammy Davis Jr.

I've been in a very good place since 2010 arrived. My head is feeling less like a weight more like a bobble head, things are going my way and the obstacles in my way are so insignificant that I give them no value to my present state of mind.

I finished my round of p90x and I am satisfied with the results, I am happy with what I've accomplished. I am very happy with what I've achieved, I am much more fit than I was 3 months ago, I can lift more and I'm more in tune with what my body can handle, overall a good program not without it's flaws, towards the end I was feeling burnt out and just wanted to get it finished. I used resistance bands instead of weights which somewhat stunted my gains in the muscle growth department. My bands look like they are about to snap, so I did something right. My assessment from strength comes from going back to the gym with my trainer, I am only about 10-15 pounds behind on some exercises, I managed to out plank him the other day it was a small victory, I'm getting back into the routine of going to the gym again, this should be fun.

I've been looking at life from a perspective that's not unique by any standards, I'm just more vocal about what I see, say what's on my mind and filter out anything that I hear that does not add value to myself. at the end of the day I am left with the feeling that I know I'm capable of more, just trying to determine what "more" is. I could argue that it doesn't matter what more is, as long as it's something I haven't done, a skill that I haven't picked up just yet.

They say "a drunk mans words are a sober's mans thoughts" I ask myself why is that? why do you need to be drinking to use it as an excuse? it's a silly notion that you need to justify your actions by using alcohol as an excuse. we're adults and responsible for the decisions we make. Why not make a fool of yourself sober and learn something from it? Meeting people has turned into a way to find out how awesome people are, elevate their awesomeness and be as awesome as they can be. You can't be awesome till you believe you are!

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in

2010-03-12T23:18:00.001-05:00

There's an old man sitting next to me,makin' love to his tonic and gin - Billy joel

I'm at this point where I can begin trimming the excess fat from my life, friends, negativity or just stuff lying around, I've been working on simplifying everything, at the same time enjoying everything around me and enjoy it with people I love. I've made the adjustment to being alone, not lonely(those are 2 very different things). I've been working really hard to get where I want to be, not just floating by. I've been looking at those around me that are getting married, dropping weight, or looking for their "soulmate" or just enjoying life and some of that stuff doesn't interest me right now. My parents hound me about being older and trying to find a "wife" or some sort of female companion I just ignore the requests to pry into my life that doesn't really concern them. I am pushing ahead with what I want to do and right now it's simplifying everything.

I was at a surprise party for a buddy from high school who is going into the armed forces. I knew everyone there but I didn't really KNOW any of them and interacting with them was like watching a movie I've watched many times before. I knew when to when to laugh, when to cry, when to joke and how it's going to end. Watching the festivities was a sight I hadn't seen in a while and getting use to the idea of trying to fit in again made me indifferent to the scenario. They were being themselves and I loved all of them for it, seeing their faces and hearing familiar sounds makes for a very loud crowd and a rowdy bunch, I wouldn't have it any other way.

To those who've asked me, I've been seeing this guy for a month, his names Tony and he's so awesome. I'm talking about p90x's Tony Horton. I just began the second phase of p90x and I'm happy so far, pushing myself is very exhausting but a lot of fun. I have noticed gains in flexibility, strength and endurance. I'm pretty excited to see how the next 60 days goes. When I go to the gym now people stare at the type of workouts I'm doing, cause it's not the standard workout with just resistance training there's instances where I use my own body weight after I'm gassed, and just pushing up those 1 or two reps seems like I'm attempting to move the world. The feeling is amazing knowing that I've pushed myself so hard when I can't lift my arms or legs.

I can't believe the first 3 months of 2010 are over already, it seems like it was yesterday I was ringing in the new year with family and friends with party streamers and copious amounts of food, ahh how time flies...

I'm working on drawing a straight line

2010-01-20T16:15:00.001-05:00

And I'll draw until I get one right - Frightened Rabbit

The new year is just being broken in and I'm still in that awesome place since I've returned from Cuba. Still selfish yet aware that life around me is moving forward, that's something I must do if I want to make the most of my time left. I've begun putting my personal plan into motion and using all the tools at my disposal, locking down my finances, keeping a cleaner home space and listening to my gut more, having intense workouts x2 a day. I've always known the quality of my friends is much more efficient to me than the quantity, in return I've been a better friend and become more self assured in things. If I'm wrong I can live with that cause it's a decision I've made on my own, nobody can take that away from me.

My work term is closing down and there's a lot of stuff I've learned about working in a big company, some good and some bad, but overall a great learning experience. One of the most fundamental things I've learned about working for a big company is that you're a byproduct of your environment, and once something changes and you can't cope you have to options, change yourself or change your environment. Now I use to think I could change my environment to fit me, what I learned was that I can't change my environment without changing myself. This would require more work than I anticipated, changing yourself is a lot harder than just saying your going to do it. You have to believe it, breathe it and be it. The first few weeks were not awesome to say the least. I learned to cope with everything and understand that life goes on with or without me and being a cog in the company machine makes me replaceable. The sooner I understood that, the easier it was for me to be detached from my job.

Now when I say detached, I mean that, I'm not lazy by any means, I'm good at my job hell I'd even say I'm great at it, I just don't want my job running my life. I've seen it so many times that it sickens me to think about putting my job before my happiness or my family. People slaving away at their job when all that matters are the ones waiting for you at home, wife, husband, kids, dog, cats, fish. As much as you can hate your job, you can never hate going home, it's your own private getaway from everything and to top it off you've got someone to spend it with, what a thought huh?

Another learning tool I've learned is about honesty. I almost think it get's lost when you work in a big company since everyone is trying to play the politics game and move up. I am more honest than most people, since everyone is an adult, I like to treat them that way. I may come off as being rude or ignorant but that's an opinion your allowed to have you're human aren't you? being honest with yourself shows character, transfer that to being honest with others and it shows integrity and people can respect that, you don't have to beat around the bush, just say whats on your mind, people can respect that and if they can't they aren't worth your time.

I've learned to respect anyone I meet, that amount diminishes or increases depending on the amount I earn. I don't care if you're the V.P. of the division or the custodian, you're going to get the same amount of respect from me until I'm shown otherwise. Respect is earned not given. Earn it and you'll reap the benefits.

I've taken what I've learned about big company life and have been applying it to everyday life for a while now, I must say it's been pretty good. Work mike+regular mike are just about the same person, a "Fusion"(hehe dragonball reference) of sorts and I like it.

I'd say I have a good foundation for building off of. I look to build off of this.

When I let go of what I am

2009-12-28T23:38:00.004-05:00

I become what I might be - Lao Tzu

I always make sure to try and learn something significant each year about myself and the ones around me. I can't say I learned a lot about the others around me but I learned that I have a lot of work to do.

I was extremely selfish the entire year, only entertaining myself with what kept me happy and spending time with my friends sparingly. I wouldn't say I deviated from the norm I was just more passive about my options, electing not to expose myself to the dribble that comes with alcohol or the drama that comes with pursuing the opposite sex or infusing myself into the lives of families that weren't my own. I did fall back into my habit of neglecting the most obvious obstacle and tackling something that had no bearing on my well being or continuous improvement.

January through March was the beginning, I looked around me and saw I had to step back from some friendships so I did. I all but dropped the hybrids and bunch of people from home and limited my interactions with those I cared about. I spent most of my time going to the gym, playing games, reading and spending time with my family. I managed to engage in conversations with my sister that I never thought were possible and helped her with some tough decisions. From there my life started to become richer and full, I was living each day in the present and loving it. With each day I managed to live better, explore my boundaries and inch outside my comfort zone, it was glorious and amazing. I was on a high as work flowed and I began branching out a little more, it felt as if I had forgot how to do this and the experience was new to me again, fun and wonderful.

April to June was more of the same, until an uneventful night when I saw the hybrids again and I got flipped onto my head and started the descent into my own abyss. My old habits began to show up again, doubt, lack of self confidence, lots of second guessing, to top it off I did not wanting to venture outside my comfort zone. The work of 5 months down the drain and there is nobody to blame but myself. Infuriated I decided to let our paths cross. Looking back now June began my free fall, if you can even call it that.

July to September I wondered if I could ever get back to the first 5 months of the year, my job was beginning to push me in a negative way where I wanted to quit altogether and my friends appeared to be moving around or having stability yet I wasn't. I was increasingly angry with myself and the angrier I became the more I searched for a quick fix to make it all better but that definitely wasn't coming. I learned to cope with it all and take each negative experience and learn something from it, in the end I learned that none of this sh*t is going to matter in the weeks or months to come. Around this time, I had just watched a movie with my buddy who began adjusting my position about life and how to suck it up, be a man and stop caring about stuff and start caring about the important stuff. This began the journey that I am currently on.

October through December I began to see the light at the end of this fall. I began working out with Clarkey. After a few weeks I found myself on the track I was on before June. Through November things went swimmingly well, I had regained the little confidence I had and there was a major bounce in my step, something that had been missing for a long time. December comes and I destroy all traces of friendship with the hybrids, I do want the best for them but not at my own expense. My mentor reminds me to trust myself more and just go with my gut, he also tells me that he doesn't enjoy giving me advice since I take it to an extreme which can be very bad for me. I take his words and think about the decisions I've made till that moment. I've made them with a clear mind and an open heart but only time will tell.

My family decides to take a trip to Cuba, I jump at the chance and in the process I think I've met the most inspiring person next to my mentor. To be exact I met five very inspiring people while in Cuba and a couple of them are literally a street down from where I work, so I expect to see more of them as the new year sets in. You can learn a lot from someone in 7 days, in return you hope that they learn a lot about you. Friendships can cultivate and last forever, should you be lucky you'll find love and it will blossom. I was much more interested in what I was to learn from these people. I believe that every person you meet has something to teach you good or bad, it's a lesson you would not of had if they hadn't come along and shown you. You just have to be sure you're paying attention when the lesson starts. I was prepared to learn. I end up meeting Vincent, Jeanne, Mark, Rita and Ritu. Five truly inspiring people each with their own unique look on life and each having something unique to teach me just by hanging out with me. I remember after a night out sitting on the beach listening to the waves crash against the water, asking myself what am I suppose to learn from these people. I thought about each of them as individuals, their strengths weaknesses and how that applies to myself. After 2 hours of listening to the ocean and staring out into the dark, I arrived at my answers, went to bed and enjoyed the rest of my vacation. Apart from the beach and drinks, I had two highlights and both of them were on the way back to Canada. One was the bus ride to the airport. I got to teach what I had learned to Mark, although drunk I think he got the message. The other was when I was in the plane talking with Ritu. I miss the comfortable silence that comes when a person is comfortable with you. With that said the lessons I've learned I am going to carry into the next year, working my butt off to achieve what I think is rightfully mine.

I learned from Vincent and Jeanne that love can blossom and and be healthy when you've got a strong foundation to build it on. I learned from Mark not to think too much about my age cause my best years are still ahead of me, thinking I am old will just cause me to be complacent in my life and I never want to do that. Rita's lesson is that I need to be more in the present and not think about things so much, being in the present opens you up for a lot of things that can be a lot of fun and enrich your life in more ways than you can imagine. Ritu's lesson was to be more focused with everything I do. I only know one person more focused than her and that would be my mentor, for a girl that's easy on the eyes she's more observant than me.

Anywho. I start my resolution tomorrow, till next year.

I can live with god and suicide

2009-12-06T08:34:00.004-05:00

The same thing goes if I close my eyes - Blitzen Trapper

I'm alive and awake much to my happiness, I had a lot of fun last night with the dinner a little dancing and a lot of drinking, maybe a little too much drinking.

Dinner was amazing, everything was fresh and tasted very yummy I loved the entire menu that was prepared, you had to be there to believe it.

I opened my eyes to a new day and a very active mind, I was one year older and from the perspective of some I was actually a "jerk" although they could not come out and say it to my face, they decided to coddle me. I firmly believe that friends tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear, unfortunately the latter was chosen and I am okay with that. I got the message. Should our paths never cross again I will be content knowing such. Friends come and go and the worst of it is over for me, I move on knowing that life is about learning from the decisions you make, learn from the positives, be attentive to the neutrals and ignore any negatives. To deny yourself the pleasure of knowing an outcome is something I pass up all the time, something I am destined to change over the time I have left, I don't care how long it takes me. So what did I learn last evening? When I refuse to express myself honestly I'm doing a disservice to myself and the ones around me.

leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time so when the director yells cut I'll be fine

2009-11-26T11:01:00.004-05:00

life is for living not living up tight, - Jay Z

I've got this swagger in my step again and I love it. A lot of factors have come into play in the past few months and I am thankful for them, I saw the fruits of my labor and the ever increasing results of living life and enjoying the time you have left. A lot has to be said about my self worth. I'm just now feeling that my self worth equals what I can be, the goal is to excel at both but I won't be disappointed if things progress further.

I look ahead to what is in store with me as the days count down, a few birthdays and a special Christmas for me. I haven't even begun shopping for my loved ones, although I don't think a gift is needed other than the gift of family, it is definitely a privilege and something I can say that I am happy to have in abundance.

I've been transitioning physically and though the rewards have been awesome I've become greedy. My trainer is hilarious and awesome, he makes me dig deep when the tanks empty and I love him for that. The benefits are in the work habits and it all depends on me after the workout is over, eating right, taking the right vitamins and stuff are the key to my success. We've been going at this for almost a month now and I can definitely see improvements but I want more, much much more.

My two years working is coming to a close, I hope to extend this longer but we'll see how it goes. Wishing for the best but preparing for the worse. I want to reflect on my working term with my next post. The people I've met and the abundance of awesome stuff I learned, not to mention all the not so awesome stuff.

Stay forever young bitches.

Hey Pretty Baby With The High Heels On....

2009-11-04T00:11:00.000-05:00

You Give Me Fever, Like I've Never, Ever Known - Michael Jackson

I never really knew what that "fever" is that he's singing about so I can't say the same but he's right in expressing it. When you find something you want, just go for it, no point in thinking about it. This has become a learning curve for me, I'm on the apex right now. I have always been worried about the outcome instead of the experience that leads to it. Being to preoccupied with myself for such a long time, I always enjoyed the logic behind everything I did, After some much needed tuning I want the emotion behind it.

I always use to think I was the in flux, right now I think my surroundings are, looking at everything in my life there's been a progression, as I progressed so did my surroundings,I never really cared about the progression of my surroundings cause I was too focused on my own progress. My natural progression has been wonderful, but I think my progression needs a break.

I saw a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, timing scheduling or whatever, we just couldn't find a time, but having those times with them is really special in their own way, I left knowing the paths we're on are very different, yet we've each walked in the others shoes, a very good feeling to know that the path I'm on has been walked before, and the experience learned from it will only make me better for it. I try not too worry about the bumps and bruises, but it's hard to now worry about them when you know they are coming.

Halloween was pretty laid back, I was on candy patrol and only got about 15 kids or so, I had the cutest little lion come to the door, I ended up giving him so much candy that he was barely able to pickup his plastic pumpkin candy holder!! I also had the jabawokeez come to my door, that was pretty awesome, they busted a move on my lawn I had to throw them more candy for that.

And in the morning I'll be with you

2009-10-13T00:31:00.004-04:00

But it will be a different kind - Bon Iver

His album rocks so much. That's all I have to say about that.

Finished my weekend feast of food,I could eat like this every weekend but that would be foolish to say the least. I went to my aunts house for the big feast on Saturday and as always I was not disappointed. Everything I ate was so good!! The turkey, stuffing, lasagna, mashed potatoes, curry and the pasta were all awesome, hands down the best meal I've had all year. My uncle is a good cook, dare I say on par with my mom as his pasta and turkey were very good. I look forward to xmas!!!

Everything I've done up to this point should have been a learning experience for me, I still can't nail down what I learned, if anything and most importantly if the experiences had were good or bad, I may never know the actual result of each decision I've made but the most important part is that I made a decision when the time called for one. I've come to see that I am more content with making choices even if those choices end up in failure, I should learn from each failure and move on as each failure from here is an experience I wouldn't of had otherwise, I see what my friend tells me about going broke, cause once your ego and pride are gone you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Most recently I've struggled with my conscience, weighing my morals against my selfishness to be or not to be? that really was my question. I've made my choice and I'll never know the result till many years have passed. On this journey I haven't been "wrong" per se, cause every experience I've had allowed me to catch myself from making them again, this I know will be the same, with no result in sight I am eager to see where this goes.

I've been talking to my buddy in Korea, he's changed and I am very happy for him. I sense he's coming into his own being over there, discovering what makes him so awesome. Our conversations are different and I can tell he's growing as a person, I told myself that if our friendship grows apart during this year I'll be ok with that, as people grow their ideas and concepts change learning to adapt to that has been a big thing for me, as I continue to learn and grow I am sure he'll do the same.

I went on a date and though the date went well, I feel like an empty cookie jar with no cookies left. Through the course of this date I had been quite happy and in high spirits but as the night wore on I began to see that this person was very sad inside, I wanted to give them a hug and never let go, but my hug would do them no good, emotionally guarded use to be my thing and right now I am not so sure. As I looked into their eyes I could see that the walls were built and there was no way I was going to get through that, would it even be worth it knowing that someday I would be shut out from the walls I once broke down? At this point I am sure about a few key points, but the rest is up to fate.

One and One and One is Three

2009-10-05T17:02:00.001-04:00

Come together right now, over me. - The Beatles

I forgot how awesome This song is, I feel so bad ass when I listen to it, like nobody can mess with me. I dragged myself kicking and screaming through hell with some work projects that almost got me dismissed from my position, needless to say HUGE weight has been lifted from my chest now, projects are over and the world is "normal" again. I went out with Doc and Easy, those boys can really live it up especially when they are passed their point of no return, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This awesomeness I am feeling can be confused as confidence, some say that it's a false sense of confidence but I say a false sense of confidence is better than none at all. My exercising has hit a bit of a plateau, I've begun Interval/Circuit training?( I think that's what it's called) on the treadmill hard for 5-7 minutes then weight train, then back on the treadmill again, I am exhausted after my workout and I hope to melt more fat soon as winter is coming and the last thing I need is to pack on more weight.

The weather is starting to get cold now time for sweaters and fall jackets, I just went shopping the past weekend and I found out that somehow I developed a sense of fashion, it's not great by any means but I do have one, I really enjoy a clean look even if I don't look like it and of course having your sister there to determine what's suitable helps a lot. As the last quarter begins I'm taking time to reflect on what I've learned over the course of the year, and I anticipate that the next time I write it will be long, reflective, repetitive and a good learning tool for myself.

"A+?" "Ok A-."

2009-09-25T08:52:00.007-04:00

"I'll take the A-" - Michael Norasing

A Roller Coaster ride is what I've been through the past few weeks, Work, family, exercise and a big confidence booster just to name a few.

Work was rather bothersome as my existence in the office was questioned, it was rather silly but entirely my own fault for letting it get that far, I had taken up some projects that were considered outside of the job scope and I was not sure if I was able to get them finished, something I have been known to do, take on more than I can chew then watch everything slowly fall apart. I was determined to see these things through and make sure I finished what I started, even if it cost me my job. I have 1/2 assed things before, the difference here is this is my career and not a job I do in my spare time. I think it's safe to say that when my existence was questioned I was confused a bit as my record was pretty good, the office was working well and there had been no issues with my attitude or ability to fall in line. My paperwork and performing jobs outside of scope were questioned with a lot of it being more about upper management wanting to save money instead of my ability to work well and creating a legal way for me to be dismissed should I fail. Safe to say I managed to show upper management that my ability perform under pressure surpassed their expectations and I am currently safe till December, when my contract expires.

I've been playing tennis on the weekends with some friends. I have gotten better over the last few weeks but I need to improve and be more than someone who hustles for balls I am also way to strong on the ball, and trying to figure out positioning and how to properly use my backhand is fun and frustrating but overall I am pleased with my progress but I want to get better, maybe even beat the indians, surprisingly they are great at placinher.g shots, but getting to balls is not their speciality, I must learn how to capitalize on this. The weather is getting colder now, I don't know how much longer we'll have to do this so I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Confidence is a big thing for me, learning how to be confident in all areas of life is a learned skill, as most people will run from their fears, and stick with what they know, I want to run towards my fears so they are no longer fears. My biggest fear would be the opposite sex. I've never feared being with the opposite sex, I've feared approaching them, as the uncertainty is something I'm uncomfortable with, nobody enjoys being in limbo about their chances with a potential mate where as others don't care and expose themselves so much that the odds will work out in the end. I was at a point where I was very tired of waiting for her. Life is very funny in showing you that good things do come to those who wait, in a stroke of luck I was given an opportunity show all I wanted to show, maybe not everything but I was pretty rusty, I couldn't of picked a better person to give me the chance to do so and for that I thank her for that. My confidence is renewed knowing that given the right timing anything is possible. I think about an episode of how I met your mother when Sarah Chalkes Character tells Josh Radnors character "she's out there, and she's on her way, and she's getting here as fast as she can."

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion...

2009-08-19T00:08:00.004-04:00

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face. - Johnny Depp

Summer just zoomed by without as much as a hello, I remember thinking how hot and sticky it was going to get. Now it's almost over and I am going to miss it. The end of summer is near and I'm progressing? or staying the course? I don't know and frankly right about now I don't care.

I haven't seen anyone noteworthy over the summer because I have been keeping to myself. The lack of summer movies helps keep the money in my bank and keeping to myself keeps me grounded for now. Daily exercise and spending time with the ones I Cherish is a real treat for me.

Up to now I've been in a really good place, but the past month has been anything but, to be fair I think it's the law of averages or something because everything I've done to remedy this has just spiraled me down the rabbit hole even more. I find myself looking at they skies wondering how far down the hole I must go before I can return to the surface and my happy place, because right now I feel like Alice, only this isn't wonderland it's anything but. Each time I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper. I make sure to take deep breaths and look around for something to distract me from this free fall, right now it's going to the gym and seeing my family, those two things alone keep my sanity in check. I fear what happens if I lose one, or god forbid both. Each time I leave the gym or see my family I don't think about this hole I've got myself into or how long it will take for me to reach the surface, I think happy things like the girl whose in my dream.

This girl, I can't see her face cause it's always blurry and I can't hear her voice cause it sounds simlish (if you've ever played "the sims" you know what I mean) but it's definitely female. Sometimes during the dream we're in the courting stages going on dates, but other times we show signs of a couple whose been together for years, the body language shows that she's very comfortable with me, and laughs at my shortcomings. Another give-away is that we're eating dinner at my parents place which tells me she's a very important person in my life if she's met my parents, but it bugs me that I can't see her face. When I wake from the dream I am happy knowing that somewhere my sub-conscious picks me up when I am down or maybe it's trying to tell me something??

Now I am stuck in this state of confusion, should I try to dig my heels in and climb out knowing that my efforts just add depth or do I wait till I hit the ground to start my decent back up the rabbit hole?

Oh well, so be it. That will be all,

2009-07-22T22:29:00.002-04:00

Oh well, so be it. That will be all, get out of here and hurry! - Vegeta dbz

The Anime never gets old for me, I love the cheesy quotes and the characters. Shortly it will be Thursday, one more day before Friday which signals the end to this storm I am in. The week thus far has not been awesome, I've been pushed around quite a bit and I just about reached my tipping point. Where does one begin? let me see...

Sunday was going well until I made an attempt to fix my vehicle which I have been put off fixing because I only want to fix what is required to make it run, apart from that I have no desire to put any money into it other than gas. Ultimately I had a blow up with my father over my ability to repair what was broken, I will say I made a mistake and I'm not perfect and repair was right, but my method was wrong so in my fathers eyes the entire repair was wrong. Nonetheless I was happy to have learned a valuable lesson in how my father works, something I'll take with me next time we have to work on any vehicles.

Monday was exceedingly bad as I had to take off work for some banking appointments, I will say I am questioning how banks treats it's customers. I was none to happy to change my schedule to accommodate them seeing as I'm the customer, but you gotta learn to compromise in life or you'll end up hating everything, or worse have this superficial idea that people have to bend to your will cause you are the awesomest person in the world.

Tuesday and Wednesday work was bonkers! anything and everything that was wrong went wrong. To make things more interesting I've been tapped for some projects that are going to be pretty awesome if I can get them finished, I am also trying to save my company from spending huge amounts of money on equipment it does not need.

I was talking with my friend about our work weeks and all he recommended to me was to "accept it" by that notion I knew what he meant. None of this crap is going to matter in five days, five hours or five years, So why the hell am I stressing out? I took a bunch of deep breaths and all the noises went away, people talking were silenced, phones stopped ringing and my eyes diverted to the window, looking outside as I took deep breaths periodically closing my eyes thinking about the silence, wanting the silence, knowing that even though I don't feel awesome right now, my awesomeness within is waiting to emerge again , I have to weather the storm. For now that will be all.

Mozoltov!!

2009-06-29T13:06:00.001-04:00

Been a while since I wrote, a lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened so I can't really tell if things are up or down. The high I had for a while has all but disappeared, I have been trying to find it and have reverted back to old habits which frustrates me, but I forgive myself and move on. There's so much to be said about myself, what's happened in the last month and what is about to happen, let's start with the recent.

A friend of mine is prepping himself for a leave of absence to Korea to teach engrish ( notice the play on words? hehe) for a year and I am really proud of him, been a while since I've seen a real smile from him but when he talks about leaving I can see his eyes light up and he's in the moment immersed in what is about to happen and I can't be happier for him. My other friend, is on the downswing I can see in his eyes that he feels that this life is passing him by and he's unable to cope with his friends around him buzzing about and he feels very stagnant, recently graduated I implore to him to get his resume cleaned up and start sending them out, I don't know if he's listening and my level of interest is very little. Knowing him as well as I do I know that he's not the one to ask for help unless he needs it but sometimes it's too late and the opportunity is gone. I don't dare tell him anything where conflict happens cause his pride is hurt and resentment is created because his lovable buffoon friend seems more wise than he looks. I've been in that situation too many times thinking I was going to be a hero and ended up being the villain, Harvey Dent said "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." I agree with that statement and it's foreshadowing references, in my head I see that I am attempting to play the hero and his view of me is the villain, knowing this I can only see 2 possible outcomes and both point to the expiry date on our friendship.

We celebrated a birthday for a friend and it was good times, more importantly I got to see some friends I hadn't seen in a long time, I can't believe I almost didn't go out. Earlier that day I was thinking about not going cause I really just wanted to just hang out at home and be with family and the idea of going back to Hamilton didn't interest me at all but I sucked it up and glad I went. I did feel a little sorry for my friend cause the group was small and I can tell it was a little awkward for him but he played it pretty well, I'm just thankful I'm a 1/3 decent tension cutter on top of being quite lovable and awesome. Our late night meal was a mess, the highlight was eating chicken schwarma, god I LOVE food. Another highlight was seeing the hybrids, I forget that underneath the hard exterior they are softies at heart. Overall an awesome night and one I'll remember till the next one.

My routine for exercise has changed to incorporate more cardio and next week I begin this boot camp at work, I am really excited to see if I can make it through everything. a few people at work are doing it and they say it's tough! I am also interested in doing yoga, one of the hybrids is doing it so maybe I can tag a long with them for physical er.. moral support.

Happy people come from abundance

2009-05-10T22:59:00.002-04:00

No external person/place/thing can bring that happiness to you. - Martin Wong

This statement is perceived as true but you have to believe the statement to understand it. Fully utilizing the concept you have to be free of a lot of things, ego, wealth, career, possessions, greed and hate to name a few. Waking up each day is a blessing in disguise, most of us take that for granted, I am not immune to such. People will stop learning when they've got it all figured out only to fall further down when things things get out of hand. I remember having a discussion with a friend on life and how it's a false sense of security, his explanation about how my career, my relationships, even my mortality is not a guarantee to go on past the next few seconds, I accepted his opinion as I always did, he's always gave cryptic messages about life that I would figure out, sometimes I think it's so I will leave him alone, but that's not his nature, even if it was, I wouldn't know it, nor did I care, anything we talked about had some truth to it, he's rarely steered me wrong, there's no reason for him to start now.

I began my current job with a bit of luck and a handful of experience, cause I stepped into a situation that was above and beyond anything I had experienced before, the world of corporate business where the people can be transparent, the politics are tough and the ego clashes happen more than times than Jenna Jameson has movies. I've been here 1.5 years and I have learned to remind myself everyday that I am Michael Norasing and being awesome is what I am good at, everyone is my equal, your title is just a prefix to your ego and your ego will be your downfall. In the midst of trying to maneuver the corporate world, I got lost somewhere along the way and became dependent on those around me to provide me with the empty feeling that was created by living alone. I began limiting myself to those around me, I came to see that the friends in Hamilton and some friends back home didn't view me as a friend but more of an annoyance, I was happy to see that when I did, which allowed me to identify my value and leave what was left of it. Taking solace in soaking up the alone time I'd recently fell into I made the most of it, busying myself with side projects, re-tagging/listening all my music, watching movies, exercising, typing out my thoughts and reading. I learned to enjoy my own company, enjoy the silence, enjoy my imagination, most of all I enjoyed knowing that the limited interaction I did have, I didn't take for granted. That lesson itself was pretty awesome, I have a better appreciation for the word "friend" and more more importantly a better love of myself.

"Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent" - Steve Jobs

I'd been avoiding a few topics in my head cause they scared me so much, a real big one was death. That quote above sums it up pretty nicely because it IS life's changing agent, it doesn't matter if the change is good or bad death changes a lot of things inside of us, the idea that we'll have time to do things like get an MBA, see your parents, find a soulmate, get married, have a career, all of these things aren't guaranteed, they are educated guesses in the life we live, we make choices and tend to value things that really have no meaning, this is something I am not immune to and when I find myself doing as such, I forgive myself and learn from it, that's all you can do. Striving to create an awesome Life has to start somewhere....... Ala Begin!!!

Cause the story I heard is the people are bored.......

2009-05-09T16:06:00.000-04:00

so don't go that way, don't go that way - Blind Pilot

I read a lot how the journey to reach your goals outweighs actually hitting them which for the most part is very true. I can't count the times I have begun a journey only to stop because people said I could not do it, or in fear that I will fail. We've all done that in some part. What separates us? The ones who dare to start the trip not knowing what will happen and the ones who don't dare to take a step out the door. That's what separates us.

I've been in a pretty good spot laying low under the radar enjoying what I've got. I've seen what destructive power people can wield over you when they think they're "better" than you in what they've achieved in their life. Any form of education, work title, material possessions, does not make you awesome in my book, having character, being a good person makes you aces in my book and that's enough for me. I've only met a handful of people like that, I don't even count myself on that list cause I am not as awesome as they are, I strive for their awesomeness knowing that I'll get there somehow. On a different tangent I really do feel like Vegeta from dbz. I never fully understand how some people got to be as awesome as they are and just like Vegeta I want what they have, but I am not willing to sacrifice my well being to have it. I know that if I apply myself and keep an open mind I can get there. They say "better late than never." I think that's right, cause I am pretty d@mn late to this party.

On the flip side I found out some not awesome news at work, I always knew my career was not concrete but it's the path I took and I don't regret it one bit. Somehow going back to school seems more and more like a reality, until I am presented with such a path I'll be cautious about this path I'm on.

Opening is just the start...

2009-04-29T15:02:00.000-04:00

To see me for all the stupid Sh*t I've done - Blind Pilot

I've been been in solitude for a while keeping myself busy, I haven't picked up a book in a while, I reckon I'll do that towards the end of the week. I have noticed I've been paying a lot of attention to myself during this time, exercising and getting back to the things I love have helped quite a bit. I was discussing things with my dad last time I was home and I can see how proud he is of his kids. I am quite proud of myself with what I have accomplished so far but I gotta keep focused on my goals and not to waver from them too much, I am pretty close to a goal of mine I just have to stick with it!

Exercising has been pretty helpful for me, I've been going to the gym at my work for the past year and have seen results which gave me confidence in how I look, which gave me confidence in other areas of my life, all in all my confidence level is higher than it ever was, which makes for a happier Michael. My relationships have taken a back seat as I was trying to figure out some stuff, those who I thought of as "friends" are not so friendly anymore, I removed myself from some friendships that were stumping my ability to grow as a person, which has been tough and has led me down this road of solitude where I can't hear anything but my own thoughts. Such a place is scary at first but over time I've become quite comfortable with it. Overall I am enjoying this ride I am on, I feel much better than I did before, I can't see the horizon yet but I know it's coming.

Soldiers, you've got to soldier on

2009-04-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

What a long weekend, it was pretty awesome!! A great way to unwind and just let go. I personally think weekends should be 3 days, but I don't make the rules!!

I spent time with my buddies in Niagara who I always have fun with. I enjoyed a simple game of monolopy (with some nifty rules) more than I ever would heading out for a night on the town. Life is simple, there's no need to complicate it. I slacked off on the gym since I have been really busy with side projects but now I'm heading back with a new motivation and a commitment to eating healthier, I am going to eliminate cheat days and eat less carbs, focus more on fruits, vegetables, protein shakes, combined with some cardio. I have my spring/summer routine set! This should be fun to try, small steps first, my goal is to see results by June, and modify thereafter. My mates at work have been really helpful and supportive by giving me pointers and things to try out, so I will see how it goes.

I took a plunge to remove objects in my life that were not helping me take steps and the results have been pretty good so far, nothing horrible to report but I've found that their absence has helped in ways I was not aware of before, I am still treading lightly but it gets easier every day. I learned that the ones closest to you are the ones who can cut the deepest, which would explain why I seem distant from quite a few people who I was so close to before. A lot has to be said of these people, but I won't bother to say it. I will say I am not perfect and I have made mistakes in the past and will continue to make mistakes, I'm human. I am more aware of what mistakes I am making and whose presence I am in when I make them.

A friend of mine had me stumped the other day, I chalk it up to the inability to cope with stress or having a very short patience stick when stuff hits the fan, they've always been a quiet person but lately I have seen a side of them that I do not like, any conversation that begins civil turns ugly, I choose just to keep quiet and let things pass or just change the subject, there is just too much of their ego at stake when we speak and I would rather let them speak to justify themselves. The world is harsh when nobody listens to you, the least I can do is give them that.

All at once

2009-03-30T15:23:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same. - The Fray

I've found myself enjoying the days far more than I ever did. The people I surround myself with are just amazing, it's a tiny pack I run with but I can't describe how amazing they are. I haven't been reading much, mainly because I've been pretty selfish and ignoring a lot of outside interference. The hardest part of a plan isn't exactly sticking to it, but making the necessary changes if your plan isn't working and adapt to those changes. Even if the changes don't fit into your initial plans you can make adjustments and adapt, the idea is to keep things moving while keeping your end goal in perspective, for some the end result is to lead a good life, for others it's to be rich or find that special someone you grow old and have a family with. I haven't really defined what my end goals are but I am damn sure that I want to look at my life and have no regrets.

Life in technicolor

2009-03-18T11:27:00.000-04:00

Lately I've forgot to laugh at myself, it's an important lesson to learn. I am a very small thing in this world, there are bigger things than me and I lose sight of that at times. This Big business sector I am in is definitely easier than it looks, I just don't have the formula to make big business my career of choice right now, but someday I might, I am too caught up in myself that I don't want to be bothered by it.
I'd much rather focus on the things I care about the most, my family and my happiness. I've managed to keep work below those things. my family and my happiness.

Right now family=gold, happiness=silver and work=bronze. For some people this is just not possible, but you see it can be quite simple, ask any olympian whose won a gold or silver medal if they'd trade it in for a bronze, they'd say hell no, they've worked so hard to get that medal why on earth would they trade down? that is exactly how I feel and I intend to keep it that way

Steady as she goes

2009-03-14T08:21:00.000-04:00

I caught the flu that's been going around the office and have been consuming fluids and medication to be rid of this, low and behold today is a big payoff! I feel a lot better than I did 72 hours ago. I am holding steady to a lot of things right now, and it's only fitting that my health is the one that suffers, I am making progress in a lot of areas my main focus being fitness, I have put a focus on cardio now, hopefully I can shed a few pounds to lean myself out a bit. I have reached a nice plateau that I will enjoy for a bit before I change it up again. My personal development has hit a plateau as well and I plan on staying and enjoying it here for a bit before I start looking to change things up. I tell myself that if you wants things done right you do them yourself. Staying steady right now is quite hard when all you see in front of you is so tempting, I am very tempted to pickup a work visa and enjoy myself for a year, but I can make such a decision in due time, just stay the course Mike, you'll get a chance.

I see signs now all the time

2009-03-10T22:35:00.000-04:00

This life is not easy to live, love or enjoy, but I am learning, living and understanding how to. Whenever I topple over one obstacle another appears. Lately I've been wrapped in my own head about my career, where do I see it going? do I want to be doing this the rest of my life? Will I be able to find a job after this year? I've been asking myself these questions each day I step into the office, I leave them there when I come home, then I revisit them again when I go into work.

Since the beginning of the quarter the office has been somewhat dead, on account that we let some people go, I for one don't find myself scrambling to impress anyone because I am a department of one, but I spend the majority of my day helping people with their computer issues, the issues are few and far between, some ranging from critical (network is down) to minor(wireless button is not on) I spend each day solving problems for the technically impaired which I do not mind, but I do wonder how much longer I can continue to do this if I am not challenged, I find that my day is very routine based, almost mundane. I take from it what I can and inject fun whenever possible, to be blunt I FIND the fun in work, I enter happy, and I leave happy, end of story.

On top of that my contract ends this year, I have not decided if I will return if its renewed, mainly because I have been toiling with the idea of trying to obtain a one year work permit in Australia, it's been one of my top 5 places to visit and if things go my way financially, I will consider this option. My age and my career are at a point where I can go and try new things, come back and pickup where I left off. I owe it to myself to try it.

The Brightest of the head

2009-03-03T09:39:00.000-05:00

If I'd oblige the odds are I'd find
What makes a man is inside, inside, inside - Starfly 59

Tuesday, 2nd of five days and I have just come off watching my favorite show from Monday, Chuck. Last nights show had a point of showing that every man has his strengths and should they defer from them they will look foolish. The line of love is a fine line a man walks, any deviance from the norm can put him in compromising situations. Being who you are in the end may not get you the best girl, but you'll get the girl that's best for you.

I saw that first hand on Saturday evening, I celebrated my coaching victory(4-0 baby!!) by going out to dinner with my extended family. Through it all I observed a married couple who just fit, even with the ribbing of me and a certain someone they took it in stride. Their personalities compliment each other so well, something I admire about them very much, dare I say a little jealous, not in a bad way, but a way that makes me want what they've got, so much that I feel I should start acting, and failing in spectacular fashion instead of just observing and contemplating. There's so much about failure that I know about and yet there's so much I haven't failed at.

The Solids - Hey Beautiful

2009-02-19T15:06:00.000-05:00

Things have an unexpected way of happening to re-assure you that life is good and awesome.

I found myself as such when I had dinner with a friend before her long overdue vacation. Last I spoke to her was just before christmas and we had a difference of opinion of friendship. Since then I had noticed that I was an arms length friend at most. Something I had grown to accept, I was well aware of what my friendship was worth and what kind of friend I am. I harbored no hard feelings towards her at all. Do I wish there was more tea and dinners? hell yea, who wants to be cramped up in a house for extended periods of time? I've learned a lesson and I am not going to reach out when I don't have to. I'll leave that for the ones who are insecure and needy.

Dinner itself was pretty awesome, I had chicken schwarma (mmmmm schwarma...) I definitely enjoyed catching up . Most of the talk was about her(cause she really wanted to spent the evening listening to how awesome I am =D). Listening to her describe herself through the eyes of another was pretty comical to me, as these were things I've mentioned to her in fewer words. I was very happy seeing that she understood these things about herself, she's grown a bit since I last saw her(which is awesome!). I was more than happy to lighten the mood(at times) for such an intense topic. When these things come to the forefront its a real eye opener. Since I've began this dinner/tea outing I see progress on her end which is great, however I feel that this a book I have read before, no matter how many times I have read it the ending is still the same and I haven't learned anything new, maybe I just like reading these kinds of books? Next time I think I'll try a choose your own adventure book.

In an recent turn of events I've got this hop in my step again, I am very refreshed and back to the awesomeness that is Michael. My work has gotten up to speed and I have found a new way to connect with those around me, I just awesome everywhere and people lick it up like honey. I'm awesome

Tim Myers - The Good life

2009-02-09T15:35:00.000-05:00

"Life is beautiful its true.When I balance what I do and enjoy the world in front of me" - Tim Myers

I found myself sitting at my parents place this weekend without motivation, just sitting there being selfish and relaxing with no distractions. The past few months I had been on auto-pilot and managed to grow an awesome beard. I say awesome cause growing a beard is something asian people are not able to do successfully, my beard wasn't great by any standards but it was frickin awesome. Those that saw it gave my praise and those who found it weird, they were just jealous

Saturday night, I hooked up with a buddy for games, which we hadn't done in ages( playing games with him is awesome. He's just like me, but he's much more gifted with the paddle then I am) During our session we begin talking about stuff and I find that he's still hung up on this decision that I thought was resolved. Looking back, each time we play games he proceeds to tell me the same thing, I claim ignorance because each time the variables change, but the equation stays the same. I find it easier for me to let him stare down two roads than suggest any, because any suggestion I make is met with an impenetrable force of ego that I don't think I'll ever want to crack. Add that my suggestions are met with deaf ears so I don't bother. Through the discussion my own decisions come into question and I started to wonder if I really made the right choice when I was faced with them. thinking about it now I KNOW those choices I made are right because that's what life is. A series of choices and each choice you make you believe to be right for the circumstance. Before I went to bed that night I said a little prayer for him hoping he would see that the whatever decision he makes will be right and having second thoughts will further him down a spiral of what if's and could of beens.

I've been growing this beard the better part of 2.5 months and it has served me well, but last night after my parents went to bed, I was sitting on the couch admiring my beard when I started thinking of why I grew this thing in the first place and I couldn't remember why other than just wanting to see if my genetics would allow me to grow one. With that out of the way, I began noticing that I had been completley content with this thing on my face, something I said I did not want to be, I never wanted to be content with my job, my weight, my awesomeness, my life I wanted to keep moving. So I shaved my beard, which made me a little sad but I knew it was right. Seeing my boyish good looks in the mirror made me happy and motivated again, one of the best decisions I've made in 09.

Rascall Flatts - I'm Movin On

2009-01-22T09:54:00.000-05:00

Only 22 days in and I find myself somewhere I haven't been in a while, isolation. I made a decision to leave behind a few things that were not helping me progress which was frustrating for me seeing as I had no idea what would happen, but in my gut I knew it was for the best. I didn't stop cold turkey but it seems like it. Recently I've been trying to connect with my sis, overall she's pretty damn awesome, (weird how siblings can be like that huh?) She's never been accustomed to my goofiness, nor my ability to take things seriously in her presence. The side I see of her is an opposite of me in some ways, others not so much. I find myself playing the big bro part more and more, maybe it's her way of communicating or me doing what's expected, I just know for now I am doing feels good and that's all that matters.

My ideal of work took a hit yesterday, it's not all peaches and cream, I almost forgot how unruly and ruthless the world of big business can be. I saw first hand what corporate restructuring looks like as a few co-workers got let go. Having to say goodbye to friends is not awesome. I have good memories working with them, I will remember all the praises they gave me, they were so good at raising my spirits when I was down and so awesome at making me feel at home when I first got here. Naturally I feel for them, they have families, mortgages, property taxes, car payments and I wonder how they'll manage. I spent my last few thoughts before bed thinking about them and their families. I was thinking the quote "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." surely applies here.

I've been working on "Project Awesome" for quite some time, and it has worked out as great as I imagined. I often get asked "what the hell is this awesome thing about?" I always tell them it's whatever you want it to be, good, bad, horrible, great, awesome is whatever you want it to be. Lately that has not been the case at my work. My place of work is polluted with cynicism, and I fear that I am allowing it to pollute me. All I know is nothing is for certain. Outside of this place life is awesome, where I enjoy the pleasures of my choosing. I will find a way to pass through this and be awesome once more I am sure of it. I'm so awesome.

Things I don't understand

2008-12-29T09:59:00.000-05:00

I love this life, I really do. Not just the one month where everyone fakes it and acts accordingly to what they see in front of them. I am learning to truly love my life and appreciate it for what it is, using what stepping stones I have to get to where I want to go.

I have so much to be thankful for this year as this was a transition for me, I took very small steps to become an adult and I liked it. I transitioned into a better person by not living at home. I appreciated the little things much more than I ever did, things like a hot meal and laundry amongst a whole list of things which I took for granted when I lived at home, I can't compare how awesome it was to go home and have a home cooked meal, things such as leftovers I took for granted. The small steps I took to adulthood made me realize that hanging out with my parents is pretty awesome.

It was nearing the end of march and I had just taken on this project which I was not sure I was going to pull through and I was explaining this to my parents because I had serious doubts to whether I could pull this thing off, I remember my dad telling me I should have no problems with the technical side but the scheduling side, as I was a horrible organizer. This was something he had noticed when I was worked with him, I could always complete a job but but I was so unorganized that I never really knew when I had the job done! This was something I was determined to finish and behold a few weeks later I finished this project with a few bumps and bruises, but the sense of accomplishment is something I had earned and something I had not looked forward to till the project was over. My parents have always been supportive of me and never wanted me to repeat their failed efforts at success, but somewhere they saw that making mistakes is a part of growing up and as long as the mistake was not catastrophic I would learn from it.

The amazing highs would not be complete with some lows, and I hit some lows. I had come to see how lonely it could be when you live by yourself. It was something I had admired about myself when I was younger. I had always liked being alone, but this was borderline confinement. So I took it upon myself to make friends with some people. The hybrids that lived here and would be excellent friends to make, unfortunately for me I had not seen the error in my ways and when things took a turn for the worse, so did our friendship, something I take the blame with my inability to see how friendships work, it's a 2 way street, if you're only walking one way it's best you stop to see if your paths will cross, and so far they haven't. I'm a bit saddened by it but overall I am glad for the friendship I have with them even if it's at arms length. Whenever I meet a girl now I remember all the awesome things they've taught me about the opposite sex by just being themselves.

Another other low I had dealt with was framing. I had made attempts to break the frame for years, looking back it began in elementary and lasted till this year, being able to break or put a crack in the frame was a huge step for me, some of the frames I broke did not sit to well with a few people and some loved me more because of it. The frames are coming down slowly, I could not have asked for more (well I could but that would be greedy.)

Even with the lows, I had amazing highs!! watching every movie imaginable over the summer was a highlight for me, you name it this summer I watched it!! my movie buddy is so awesome.
I did the Mitsubishi City Chase which was spectacular, even if I was dragged kicking and screaming, but I got a sense of what it was to push myself past my physical and mental limits even if it was all for fun.

I managed to sort through my fear of being fatter than I am, by exercising. increasing my confidence level and having my ego fed in small doses does wonders for confidence and appearance. I began using a word that describes what I am, that word is "awesome". The word itself is so versatile that you can use it in ANY context you choose. give it a try and you'll see how application can stimulate perception. Even when you look silly doing it.

I can see nothing but an awesome year for me in 2009, spreading awesome leads you to awesome.

Jai Ho

2008-12-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

My mind works in mysterious ways, sometimes I come to conclusions that are so obvious but ignore them to look deeper. There’s snow on the ground and feeling of Christmas is in the air, yet I rarely see this amongst my fellow humans, it saddens me to see as such, but to view them any different is just a reflection of myself, and frankly I need work.

The year has been no exception, I have learned a lot about myself. Some will say it is a blessing in disguise others will say it is a fools way of thinking and I respect their opinion as they are entitled to it. Lessons in humbleness, humility, assertiveness, passion, friendship, relationship, anger and love are some of the areas which I explored at some point over the course of this year. I am truly thankful for those who have taught me these lessons. I find myself surrounded with people I deeply care for and in return deeply care for me, my family has been a great help in ways they will never know, I appreciate them more than words can express.

The few friends I’ve made along the way are nothing short of fantastic, I never want them to change. Today was a great example of that, I did some shopping and it did not go well. I was left feeling not as awesome as I usually feel. I could have been quite cold and mean which is a very immature reaction. I decided to just go elsewhere and rethink about why I was not feeling so awesome. After some tea and a good pep-talk, I realized that it was something about me that made me feel this way, After making peace with this, I explained during dinner that they are not at fault for this and I do not want them to change, the last thing I want to do is make someone feel bad for being themselves, that is not my definition of awesome. The ride home was blast, and all I needed was a lesson I forgot, friendship 101.

The few I keep close to me are my lifeline. That is the U.N. They know who they are and they don’t need an introduction, they are my definition of awesome, I am grateful for having them in my life. They are the only people who are deserving of my time when I don’t have any to give. They’ve been there for me when it mattered most, nuff said.

I am optimistic for the New Year and expect more changes to take place internally, externally, mentally and physically.

Jai Ho indeed!

Elevator Beat.

2008-12-02T19:30:00.000-05:00

Today is My birthday, but it doesn't feel like it. I have received a wonderful gifts from those I surround myself with. Well wishes and dates to catch up and bar appearances I have declined. Today is my special day and I could not think of a way to spend it than with the ones I love. Thanks to all of those who expressed my birth today.

Right now I have this sense of calming that no matter what happens everything will be alright, no matter what I do it will all work out. I keep telling myself "sustain this feeling Mike, Sustain this feeling."

State the obvious. Year in Review

2008-11-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

What a year! I thought I was talking a step in the direction I wanted to go, I thought would take me to the next step. Little did I know what was to come from it. Corporate life can be draining and fake to the point where anything that strides outside corporate life is frowned upon. To remedy this I slowly began going outside the norm for the corporate lifestyle, but not so much where I would be looked as an outcast and ridiculed. I injected a bit of humility about the lifestyle, and constructed myself in a manner that was enjoyed by anyone and everyone i came into contact with. All of it came to fruition today as I received the best compliment one can get in my position. (I am Awesome.)

During this transition I had this feeling that some people viewed me as "better" or "financially stable" on a sub-conscious level as conversations about life quickly became talk about work and money. The frame they had placed me in was beginning to break and I was beginning to ask if they were still my friends. I began to see that I was a cheap laugh to them and nothing more ( I hope I am wrong). At times I had this feeling of resentment from them, jealous that someone like me could be in the position I am in(not glamorous, but it pays the bills). I slowly began to ask myself if these people were really friends if they could not get past this frame they had placed me in.

Some searching internally led me to confront myself about the reality of the situation, I was at a different point in my life, where things I dreamd about when I was getting an education were now possible if I just buckled down. Internally this is how I felt and it showed as I began to distance myself from them and begin to seek out different people. During this search I would go back to them for release when I wanted to escape the fakery that is corporate life and enjoy myself. I found that I can dictate my level of friendship as long as I control the type of frame I am in. Bruce Lee says - " take what is useful and discard what is uesless"

That's what I did, I took it upon myself to dictate what kind of frame I was in and how I was viewed, I took measures to make sure I was apart of their life as they became less and less of mine. Their venting on relationships, life and work did not fall on deaf ears, I listened when they needed to vent, but I rarely vented to them, if I ever vented subject/incident was meaningless to me, but gave the impression that they were involved in a way that would impact my decision. When I saw that they might not be taking the right approach on a subject I made suggestions. They usually never took my suggestions because to I was still in their frame, but to me they were just the paths I would of taken.

The year is almost over and going about this has served me well up to this point, it does have it's drawbacks but they are nothing compared to the feeling I have when I wake up and know that things are good and the world is at my fingertips!!